Coachella’s tickets are sold through Festival Ticketing, and well, if you’re a weed dealer who wants to make some easy money, stand outside of Festival Ticketing’s call center today. Because nearly every agent may need something mind-numbing to deal with the Beyhive angrily buzzing in their ears all day. The organizers of Coachella announced today that Beyonce has pulled out of headlining due to the fact that the twin messiahs are growing in her body.
As of earlier this month, the word was that Beyonce was still planning to turn Coachella into the new holy land by gracing it with her presence and voice. The Beyhive had their buckets ready just in case their God’s water broke right there on the stage. But Indio, CA is not going to become the new Jerusalem (Beyrusalem?), because Beyonce’s doctors have told her that she shouldn’t be giving her twins whiplash as she shakes while doing the Single Ladies Dance at Coachella. Coachella is in April. This statement was put on Coachella’s FB page today:
Following the advice of her doctors to keep a less rigorous schedule in the coming months, Beyoncé has made the decision to forgo performing at the 2017 Coachella Valley Music & Arts Festival. However, Goldenvoice and Parkwood are pleased to confirm that she will be a headliner at the 2018 festival. Thank you for your understanding.
Stay tuned for more information.
“Thank you for your understanding.” That’s cute that those tricks don’t know that the Beyhive doesn’t do “understanding.”
My thoughts are also with whoever replaces Beyonce. Coachella could resurrect Michael Jackson, Whitney Houston, Prince and David Bowie from the dead and get them to perform Beyonce’s greatest hits, and the Beyhive would still stand there with arms crossed and their facial expressions set to: not amused. It’d be like if you thought you were going to see Jesus speak and you got Paul instead.