Mariah Carey Could Never Survive In The Real World With Us Peasants

February 22, 2017 / Posted by:

It’s been almost two months since Mariah Carey’s now-iconic bomb of a performance in Times Square, and most have moved on and the only time anyone ever really thinks about it is when they see it at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, where it’s currently on display in the American Masterpieces Collection (no, it’s not, but it should be). But the glittery fart that Mimi dropped on New Year’s Eve is still on the minds of Rolling Stone and Mimi herself. And I’m glad it is, because when she talked about it with Rolling Stone, her butterfly mouth produced several verbal jewels, like how she’d die if she stepped into reality.

Three days after Mimi made Britney Spears‘ lip-synching skills look like they’re on the same level as that of a RuPaul’s Drag Race queen, she said that she was mortified and believes that Dick Clark Productions sabotaged her for ratings. While talking to Rolling Stone about her new song I Do, Mimi waved away the memories of New Year’s Eve and said that she doesn’t even want to explain it anymore. Unless you’re an international superstar who has performed live on TV for millions of people, you just won’t understand! Mimi doesn’t expect you to get her, just like she doesn’t get you and the Excel spreadsheet woes you go through in your little plebeian cubicle! And then Mimi looked at the real world and said, “I don’t know her.

“I don’t even want to bring this up too much, but whatever, we’re obviously talking about it, the New Year’s Eve situation – that couldn’t be helped. It’s just something where if I can’t explain it to the entire world, then they’re not going to understand it, because it’s not what they do. Just like I wouldn’t understand somebody who had a desk job and how to do that. I couldn’t. I literally am incapable of being in the real world and surviving.”

But really, are any of us capable of being in the real world? Mariah Carey is us and we are Mariah Carey, except we have no choice but to live in the real world, while she lounges in a tub of rhinestones and sips champagne as she watches her flat screen TV, which is only programmed to show cartoons and her music videos.

Mimi kept pooting out loads of humbleness by saying that everyone is to blame for her disastrous NYE performance:

“I used to get upset by things. This was out of my control, and had everything not been such a total chaotic mess, then I would have been able to make something happen. Even the dancers should have stopped dancing and helped me off the fucking stage. I’m sorry. It was a mess, and I blame everybody, and I blame myself for not leaving after rehearsal.”

Yeah, why didn’t the dancers read her mind and help her off the fucking stage? I mean, those of us who live in the real world can do this thing called “walk on our own,” so we could’ve left the stage by ourselves. But since Mimi lives on Planet Mimi (population: 1), she can’t walk on her own and needs a commoner to help her Spanx-wrapped body off the stage.

And if life was like a 90s comedy in the vein of Switch, then tomorrow morning, Mimi will wake up in front of a desk at her new job. The high-pitched screech she’d let out would be like no other, and she wouldn’t have to lip-synch it.

Here’s pictures from yesterday of Mimi posing safely inside of her bubble while in Dubai with her current leased piece.

Pics: , Splash

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