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February 17, 2017 / Posted by:

The Monopoly Thimble!

The Monopoly Iron better make room in its suite at Countryside Acres (Yes, yes, I know I’m mixing up my board games) for a new roommate, because another O.G. game piece has been forced into retirement. Four years ago, Monopoly took out the Iron (aka the game piece nobody wanted to be) and replaced it with Hazel the Cat. Hasbro has been slowly getting rid of the original pieces from the 1930s to make way for shiny, new bitches, and the Thimble is the latest one to get tossed. The Top Hat, Shoe and Battleship better hope they have enough money in their 401k, because they’re next!

Last month, Hasbro started an internet contest, which asked the people to choose the eight tokens they’d like to see in Monopoly’s new Token Madness game. The people could choose from the current game tokens (Battleship, Hazel the Cat, Scottie Dog, Racecar, Shoe, Top Hat, Wheelbarrow and Thimble) and many, many new ones including a Flip Flop, a T-Rex, a Rubber Ducky, a Jet Ski, the Hashtag and different emojis. Hasbro will announce which eight made the cut next month, but yesterday, they told the Thimble to sashay away. Hasbro said in a statement gives to Fortune that the poor, unloved Thimble just didn’t get enough votes.

“The Thimble token will not “Pass GO” in the next generation of the Monopoly game. The lucky Thimble has lost its ‘shine’ with today’s fans and will be retired from the game.”

Kids today probably look at the Monopoly board the same way Pimp Mama Kris looks at any one of her hos who hasn’t brought in at least $3 million for the month. They look at it like, “What’s the point of that? Why does it exist? Why is it in front of me?” Kids probably won’t play a game unless it’s on their phone, but Monopoly is still gonna do what they gotta do to be current. So I fully except them to announce that the new tokens are: Harambe, a Vape Pen, the Hammer and Sickle, a Starbucks cup, a Xanax Pill, the Poop Emoji, Trump’s Tax Returns and a Yoni Egg.

The Thimble wasn’t the greatest Monopoly token and forever I thought it was an upside/down cup, but it was easy to handle and if you had fingers the size of a mouse’s clit, you could use it as an actual thimble. And if you were a tiny baby rabbit, you could use it as a shot glass. Rest in peace, Thimble!

Pic: Hasbro

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