Johnny Depp Wants To Connect His Houses With Underground Tunnels

February 10, 2017 / Posted by:

Johnny Depp’s ex-business mangers claimed in court papers that he’s going broke because he pisses away $2 million a month on private jets, $30,000 worth of fine wines and a giant staff to take care of his many, many houses. So naturally, when the gold in your money vault is shrinking, the smart thing to do is to spend an ass load of money on building completely necessary underground tunnels between your houses. Ridiculous rich fucks are just like us! I too use underground tunnels (read: me with my bedspread covering my head and body) to visit my many properties (read: to go from bed to kitchen to bathroom to bed again) so that my neighbor (read: my dog) can’t see me.

UsWeekly says that Johnny owns five houses (one of the mansions is pictured below) in a cul-de-sac in the Hollywood Hills. Now, most people would be happier than Trump in hooker piss to own just one house in the Hollywood Hills, but Johnny is apparently not happy. A source says that the hobo Howard Hughes wants to connect all of his houses with underground tunnels. But the one thing that’s keeping him from turning his cul-de-sac into ScarfLand (or should we call it, NeverBathesLand?) is his neighbor’s house. The owner of that house refuses to sell even though Johnny has offered him tons of money.

“He’s been buying them up over the years,” a second insider says of the Oscar-nominated actor’s houses. “He wanted to build a gate to stop the tour buses from coming up there.”

The owner of the sixth house in the cul-de-sac is refusing to sell. “Johnny has offered him everything,” claims the insider.

I’m surprised Doug Stanhope hasn’t written an essay claiming that Amber Heard is obviously sexing that neighbor so they won’t sell to Johnny.

Honestly, this may be the sanest idea that has come from the mind of Johnny Depp. If I had a giant compound like that, I’d want to connect my houses with a bunch of El Chapo-like tunnels too. Hell, I’d go the Barbra Streisand-route by building an entire mall down there, complete with an In-N-Out. Driving a golf cart from one mansion to another would make a bitch hungry.

And Johnny may not have to worry about paying for his underground tunnels. The county of Los Angeles may decide to pay for it. They may realize that if Johnny got his underground tunnels, there’s a chance he’d rarely leave his compound and then the mutant scabies that live on his body wouldn’t spread to the citizens of the land!

Pics: Splash, Dior

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