Miranda Kerr and billionaire CEO of Snapchat, Evan Spiegel, got engaged last July after dating since 2015. In the time that they’ve been together, Miranda’s vagine has never met Evan’s peen. Miranda, who has definitely fucked before (proof: the baby she made with Orlando Bloom), let the world know in an interview that she and Evan are doing it the Ciara and Russell Wilson way by waiting until marriage. Many of us are sluts around here, so that idea is completely lost on us. On a first date, we don’t even wait until the entrees are served. I know, look at me acting like our first dates happen at a restaurant instead of a motel that rents rooms by the hour.
While talking to writer Richard Goodwin for the Times of London (via The Cut), Miranda asked him if he wants another kid and when he says not right now, she asks him what kind of birth control he uses. He tells her and when she says she doesn’t use any birth control, he asks her if she’s going to have another baby. That leads to Miranda saying her man is traditional and they’re waiting until marriage.
“I don’t!” she yelps and begins to laugh.
So are you going to have another baby? “Not yet. Not until after we get married. My partner is very traditional.”
I am clearly so out of the loop when it comes to millennial sex trends that it takes me a while to grasp her meaning; she appears to be telling me that she and the man she is marrying have never had sex. Hang on, that’s really traditional, I say.
She winces. “We can’t … I mean we’re just … waiting.”
So if a model and a billionaire aren’t fucking, what the hell are they doing then? Don’t tell me “talking.”
They’re wedding night is going to be exhausting and they’ll be up all night. I mean, Evan is a nerd and if movies and TV taught me anything about nerds, it’s that when they touch a real-life woman, they automatically bust a nut in their Underoos before shaking and crying. So when Evan touches Miranda’s bare tit on their wedding night after waiting all that time, his dick is going to shoot out of his tuxedo pants and fly across the room. They’re going to have to spend the whole night looking for it.