The Super Bowl is the biggest day for nacho eaters, but it’s also the biggest day of the year for Don Draper types. The Super Bowl is the Super Bowl of advertising; it’s the day commercials go extra. What other time of year could you watch Sexy Mr. Clean thrust his tight CGI ass and think “Yeah, no, this is totally normal.”
So way back in 2015, Veruca Salt’s Canadian counterpart Justin Bieber demanded his own Super Bowl commercial.
I want a super bowl commercial 🙂
— Justin Bieber (@justinbieber) December 10, 2015
His dream came true this year when T-Mobile put him in a Super Bowl commercial.
Bieber’s T-Mobile commercial, which was thrown up online a few days before the Super Bowl, is all about people celebrating football wins. But also celebrating…T-Mobile’s unlimited cellphone plan? Eh, it doesn’t matter, it’s THE SUPER BOWL! The commercials don’t have to make any fucking sense. Bieber is a “Celebration Expert.” I didn’t realize that pissing in a mop bucket qualifies one as an expert. That apparently also means he’s required to dress like the fuckboi step-brother of James Bond. Bieber’s commercial also stars Rob “Gronk” Gronkowski (in his true form) and Terrell Owens.
I don’t know if Justin Bieber’s commercial encouraged any new T-Mobile customers, but it might have discouraged some drunk drivers in Wyoming. Just like the Canadian cops who threatened PEI drunk drivers with a police car ride soundtrack courtesy of Nickelback, NME says that police in Wyoming threatened drunks behind the wheel with Bieber’s commercial as pre-punishment.
— Wyoming, MN Police (@wyomingpd) February 6, 2017
That’s a smart tactic. Nobody would willingly choose to suffer through that again.
Bieber wasn’t the only little booze-chugging party animal to be featured in an ad. We also saw the return of Bud Light’s former mascot Spuds MacKenzie. Spuds has been chasing bunnies up in doggie heaven since 1993, but Bud Light decided to bring Spuds back last night as a ghost. It’s like A Christmas Carol, but instead of a ghost warning you to turn your life around and stop being an asshole, it’s a dead dog peer-pressuring you to get wasted.
We also got a juice commercial starring a silent Justin Timberlake and an NSYNC-reciting Christopher Walken. Again, none of this makes any sense, don’t worry about it.
I’ll admit, I laughed at the “bai bai bai” at the end. And then I got happy, if only because this commercial means a couple pennies got thrown into Joey Fatone’s fedora. Get that bottled juice money, Joey!
And here’s a bunch more, just in case you spent most of the commercial breaks scooping sloppy joe meat straight from the pot with half a bun (raises hand in shame). Good news: none of them feature dead kids or terrifying Puppy Monkey Babies.