Where were you when the most beautiful artistic and cultural moment since the Mona Lisa smirked happened this week?
Queen Beyonce revealed that she was pregnant with the future, TWICE, in a stunning photoshoot that was seemingly an homage to trailer park teen moms, the Sears Portrait Studio, the automotive industry and funeral flowers. Earth had so many questions after the pregnancy pictures that shattered the Internet, chief among them being, “Is she still going to headline Coachella?” (The other question being, “Is she for real?,” but we don’t voice that one because the Beyhive is a terrifying organization.)
The answer is yep, Beyonce and her unborn twins will indeed be performing at the yearly festival that celebrates good music and good drugs!
And, according to TMZ, she’s bringing friends!
Sources involved in pulling off Coachella tell us Bey has no intention of canceling, and has already booked 2 other big artists to join her onstage. She’s made housing arrangements out in the desert for her guest stars, and we’re told both knew well in advance that Beyonce’s preggo.
Beyonce’s big name backup singers (let’s be real, you don’t co-headline with Bey) haven’t been named yet, but one of them is reportedly a performer on her husband Jay-Z’s Roc Nation record label. The other isn’t a Roc Nation artist but “still close to Bey.” It doesn’t look like Kelly Rowland or Michelle Williams are on Roc Nation (neither are former Destiny’s Child members LeToya, LaTavia, or Farrah… stop giggling), so a reunion ain’t happening. Who could the mystery guests be? I highly doubt Queen Bey would let Ms. Fenty upstage her pregnant performance. Is one of the guest performers Korn?
Beyonce will be in her third trimester by April, which is when Coachella happens. She’s going to be big. There won’t be any sort of getting in formation to slay, trick, slay. It might look more like “get me that damn ottoman so I can put my swollen feet up” and “I hope you bitches enjoy this two minute medley of my greatest hits, because I need to lie down.”
It won’t matter. She could waddle on stage, cut a pregnancy fart into the microphone, and waddle off and her adoring fans would be celebrating the moment in story, song, and social media post forever after.