Open Post: Hosted By That Phame Whore Punxsutawney Phil

February 2, 2017 / Posted by:

If it looks like that headline is dripping with jealousy, it’s because it is. Punxsutawney Phil (the other PP) is one of the only creatures in this country who has 100% job security and his lazy ass only has to work for a few minutes a year. Dude has it better than Vanna White! But watch, next year he’ll be replaced by an android groundhog who is programmed to see his shadow, because he’s sponsored by the parka industry and they want people to think six more weeks of winter is coming.

Today is annual Bill Murray Appreciation Day (aka Groundhog Day), and so many gathered at Gobbler’s Knob in Punxsutawney, PA to see if PP would spot his shadow after crawling out of his winter hole. PP saw his shadow this morning, which means there will be six more weeks of winter. PP’s arch rival, Chuck in Staten Island, didn’t see his shadow, which means he’s predicting there will be an early spring. In other words, groundhogs don’t know shit about predicting weather and they’ve been conning us for decades. We fall for it every time too. Grift on, groundhogs, grift on.

And on a different note, it’s always bothered me that Punxsutawney Phil’s winter home is called Gobbler’s Knob. They should really change the name. It’s false advertising and is rude. I mean, if I go to a place called Gobbler’s Knob and stand in front of a hole, something other than a groundhog better pop out of there, okay.

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