Hot Slut Of The Day!

February 2, 2017 / Posted by:

The Ice Cream Cone Shooter!

Like exquisite Lucite heels, Cool Whip and Jocelyn Wildenstein’s face, the Ice Cream Cone Shooter is a classic and will stay a classic for the rest of eternity. For those of you who are uneducated in the important subject two cent toys, the Ice Cream Cone Shooter is a colored ball of foam that’s attached to a plastic cone and you’d shoot that mess at your friends and loved ones.

I haven’t been to a children’s birthday party in a while, because every time I’m invited to one, the invitation is immediately re-fucking-scinded after I say, “Okay, cool, I’ll bring the hooch and the weed, but you gotta provide the bong, because I don’t want those damn brats breaking my good one.” So I have no idea if Ice Cream Cone Shooters are a thing anymore at birthday parties, but I have a feeling that they’re dusty relics to kids and the children are too busy playing Ice Cream Cone AK-47 on their iPhone 7 Plus.

When I was a kid, these things were at almost every birthday and we sometimes got them for Christmas. I have at least 218 cousins and when we were all little, our aunts and uncles got every one of us a present for Christmas. When you have 218 kids to buy for and don’t have the checking account of Oprah, you either buy several 12-packs of socks and tell the brats to share that shit, or you hit up the 99 Cent Store and fill your cart with 25 cent Ice Cream Cone Shooters. It was always a good gift, because it brought hours of simple fun. Actually, it brought minutes of simple fun, because it broke faster than Kourtney Kartrashian’s half-working brain cell when she has to repeat more than 2 scripted lines while filming. And if it didn’t break, some stupid dingle-brained kid always mistook it for actual ice cream and took a bite out of the foam part. And no, the dingle-brained kid was never me, and by “never me,” I mean it was always me.

Pic: Oriental Trading

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