Forty five seconds after Beyonce announced that her royal uterus is holding the messiahs, the Beyhive shook so hard that they had to soothe their worn out, raw muscles by lying in a tub filled with BenGay. But their God didn’t give them much time to rest, because hours later, Beyonce.com graced the internet with many, many, many pictures of a knocked up Beyonce posing in an Awkward Family Photos shoot . If you’re an art student, you’ll get at least 60 credits just by looking at Beyonce’s masterpiece portraits.
To me, the Mona Lisa in Beyonce’s Museum of Extra is the visual jewel above of her gracefully lounging on the hood of what I thought was a Honda Del-Sol (it’s a Porsche 914) stuffed with weeds, plants and flowers. Everything about that Hillbilly Virgin Mary portrait is perfect. That picture looks like it was taken by a community college photography student who really wants to the next David LaChapelle. Beyonce is doing the most AND doing the least at the same time.
If you’re related to or friends with a member of the Beyhive and she’s currently with child, do not answer the phone when she calls. She’s calling to beg you to come over and help her knocked up ass get on top of her Honda Civic so she can recreate that picture on the lawn in her front yard. In fact, block her. The block feature exists for a reason and that’s one.
In Beyonce’s photographic series title, “See, I Really Am Pregnant, Haters,” are also pictures she took underwater. Tyra Banks is going to spend the rest of her day telling everyone how she’s so happy that her work has inspired Beyonce.
Beyoncé's underwater maternity photos 💙 🌊 pic.twitter.com/4HfVdNqNIG
— BEYONCÉ LEGION (@Bey_Legion) February 2, 2017
TMZ says that as of now, Beyonce is still planning to headline Coachella in April. But apparently, Beyonce never told organizers about being pregnant and they’re wondering if she’s going to pull out. Oh, they shouldn’t worry. If worse comes to worse and Beyonce can’t physically be there, she’ll just Skype in and sing her songs while lounging on a coach in her living room. And her fans will still call it the most holiest experience they’ve ever had!
And here’s more from Beyonce’s ANTM photo shoot also featuring Blue Ivy Carter):