Beyonce Will Bless The World With Two More Chosen Ones

February 1, 2017 / Posted by:

If you’re in the stained glass industry, then cancel all of the social shit you’ve got planned for the next month. Because every member of the Beyhive is going to order a stained glass version of that picture to put in their Church of Beyonce (read: the bedroom that belonged to their kid before they made that child sleep on the pullout sofa to make way for a praying place devoted to their God!!!!!).

Beyonce announced on Instagram that growing in her holy womb are twins that I’m hoping she and Jay-Z will name Chartreuse Marijuana and Periwinkle Fern. Along with that hilarious and extra “Mary-themed America’s Next Top Model photo shoot” portrait, the holy mother of the world added this note:

We would like to share our love and happiness. We have been blessed two times over. We are incredibly grateful that our family will be growing by two, and we thank you for your well wishes. – The Carters

As the Beyhive leaves their jobs early to go home to carve two tiny new chosen ones for their Beytivity scene, I’m sure conspiracy theorists are running their magnifying glasses over that picture to look for evidence of Photoshop trickery. Once they’re done with that, they’ll call every Michael’s to find out if the Illuminati recently bought an entire fake flowers section. And now that I look at that picture closely, it sort of looks like Solange in a wig and green curtain sheer after shoveling six enchiladas from Rubio’s into her mouth. Caught!

And Mama Tina better get to making two floral headbands out of those fake flowers, because Beyonce is totally going to birth out her twins on stage at Coachella.

Pic: Instagram

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