Grant Show (55)
Nicole Linkletter (32)
Kate Mara (34)
Josh Groban (36)
Chelsea Clinton (37)
Bobby V (37)
Peter Andre (44)
Li Bingbing (44)
Rozonda “Chilli” Thomas (46)
Donal Logue (51)
Noah Emmerich (52)
Adam Baldwin (55)
Johnny Van Zant (58)
Timothy Spall (60)
Neal Schon (63)
Debra Monk (68)
Ralph Nader (83)
Joanne Woodward (87)
Elizabeth Taylor (1932 – 2011)
If you’re like me, then you’re probably looking at your bong right now while saying, “What in the fuck did I smoke tonight?” Because when the Oscar for Best Picture was announced by Faye Dunaway and Warren Beatty tonight, Faye announced La La Land as the winner and we quickly learned that Moonlight was the true winner. Goddamnit, why couldn’t this have happened on election night?!
After everyone from La La Land got on stage and started accepting the award, a giant WTF hit us all when they figured out that they lost to Moonlight. Warren Beatty explained that he was given the wrong card and I don’t even know what really happened. But I do know that Steve Harvey mouth farted out a giant cloud of relief, because he’s no longer the biggest fuck up when it comes to naming the rightful winner on a card. It was five tons of awkward wrapped in forty layers of mess and drizzled with a sauce made of potent fuckery. Damn you, Faye, Warren and whoever was in charge of the cards for fucking up Moonlight’s moment like this!
— Good Morning America (@GMA) February 27, 2017
I hope this means that Leonardo DiCaprio was so stoned from vaping backstage that he read “Emma Stone” instead of “Isabelle Huppert” and Brie Larson blacked out for a second and read “Casey Affleck” instead of “Denzel Washington.”
When I woke up this morning, I told myself that two sure things were going to happen today: 1. I am going to end the night drunkenly crying at the bottom of a hot shower. 2. Viola Davis is going to win the Best Supporting Actress Oscar. The second one happened tonight (and the first one will happen later, I’m sure).
Even though CATEGORY FRAUD WAS COMMITTED, Viola finally won an Oscar tonight for Fences and she deserved it 100%, because nobody can snot cry on cue like she can. Viola said in her speech, “I became an artist, and thank God I did, because we are the only profession who celebrates what it means to live a life.” Um, with all due respect, Viola Davis obviously doesn’t know of a profession called “burger maker at In-N-Out,” because they put pure life between two buns every single day.
Viola won an Emmy for How To Get Away With Murder, she’s won two Tonys for Fences and King Hedley II and she won an Oscar tonight. Well, if her Oscars speech tonight was released as an album, she’d definitely win a Grammy next year and the EGOT would be hers! That’s if fucking Adele doesn’t release an album this year.
In case you haven’t been following the feud between Death Eaters royalty and Hollywood royalty, Karl Lagerfeld fired the first shot when he said that Meryl Streep ordered a Chanel couture gown to wear to the Oscars but waved it away after she found a fashion house that would pay her to wear their dress. Kunty Karl called Meryl “cheap.” Meryl tapped the white-haired vampire’s chest with a stake by saying that she would never accept a check to wear a dress. Karl then dribbled out a generic apology about how he was mistaken. But Meryl really shoved the stake all the way in when she called Kunty Karl a damn liar and refused to accept his weak ass apology. Meryl added that Karl’s lie added a layer of shit on what should be a wonderful moment (aka her getting an Oscar nomination for the 20th time). And that brings us to the Oscars tonight….
Meryl ended up wearing a custom Elie Saab gown-over-pants-thing.
Somewhere in his lair, Kunty Karl took a break from drinking blood out of his current boy toy to look up at the TV and say, “Dress looks cheap, just like her.” And really, I hate Meryl’s look tonight. I really thought she was going to wear a giant gown that had the words, “Fuck You Karl,” written on the front and the words, “And yes, I got paid to wear this bitch,” written on the back. Oh well, maybe next year. You know she’ll be nominated.
Tonight is the night when many of us will call 911 to report a grand theft robbery after (probably) witnessing Moonlight get shamelessly robbed by a “singing,” dancing and prancing Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling. If you’re a 911 operator and happen to get a call tonight from a crazed and drunken gay dude who is slurring out the words, “It was the ginger and the warbling Canadian dreamboat! I saw them rob Moonlight with my own eyes,” please take my report seriously and dispatch the cops to arrest those thieving tricks immediately.
If you’re planning to play a drinking game while watching all 900 hours of the Oscars tonight and you don’t want your liver to melt and slip out of your asshole, I suggest you take a drink every time La La Land doesn’t win and when a winner doesn’t get political during their speech. But if you really want your liver to melt and slip out of your asshole tonight, then go ahead and take a drink every time La La Land wins and when a winner gets political during their speech. Or just do like I do and stick a bunch of wine corks up your culo so your liver doesn’t slip out and drink the entire time.
I may spit up a few Oscar posts tonight, but Allison and I will cover it all tomorrow.
And now I leave you with pictures of former HSOTD and once reigning Empress of the Oscars Red Carpet (not to be confused with the Queen of the Oscars Red Carpet, Edy Williams), Sally Kirkland wearing one of my all-time favorite Oscar looks in 2007. Sally looked like she was on her way to a funeral for a stripper and got trapped in a deflated hot air balloon. I’m no Sally Kirkland historian, sadly, but my research shows that 2007 was the last time she graced the Oscars red carpet with her charisma, glamour and star power. The other jealous stars probably threatened to boycott if Sally was invited to the Oscars again, because they were sick of her stealing the spotlight from their boring asses. And dear God if Sally Kirkland makes her grand return to the Oscars red carpet tonight, I promise to stay 100% sober throughout the entire show (and yes, I crossed my toes, eyes and ass lips while typing that).
Sure, blame it on the booze! Entirety of television owner Ryan Murphy admitted he was just a little bit tipsy when he went on Bravo’s Watch What Happens Live last week and told that annoying but kind of hot (don’t judge) Andy Cohen that the next season of American Horror Story would be about the 2016 election. Ryan even hinted that Donald Trump might be a character.
Despite that being a valid topic for a show about abject horror, Ryan nows says that he was shittoed and exaggerating.