Allow me to age myself when I type that I got drunk off Zima, aka the “Zomething Different” candy-ass booze, as a kid. It was a tangy drink you could binge on for the lightweight just-ztarting-out drunks who weren’t ready for the bloat of hops and yeast, or the life-changer known as vodka (aka the gay kids). When Zima was taken off the market in 2008, a part of my childhood…well, young adulthood…died!
Defiant Nina Simone cosplayer Zoe Saldana birthed out a third baby last weekend at Cedars-Sinai hospital in L.A. Zoe and her husband, Italian artist Marco Perego (who sort of looks like if Fabio’s representation convinced him to go hipster in hopes of broadening his appeal) announced the birth on Instagram. And the kid’s name is going to make you go “om.”
On Friday night, pop debris Aaron Carter discovered that when you reportedly run your mouth to say racist things, the recipient might be there to take you out of the race! I have no idea what that means, but if you’re going to modify “Bye Felicia” into “Bye Felipe” and direct it towards a gentleman of Hispanic origin, it might lead to fisticuffs! Meth usage can’t shield you from a beating!
IS SHE IN A COLOR THAT’S NOT DOUR?!? Angelina Jolie is in pink! Impending divorce has really brightened her outlook, huh?
Angelina Jolie premiered her new film, First They Killed My Father (sounds like a light-hearted rom-com), in Siem Reap, Cambodia this weekend. She brought all of the children – Maddox, 15, Pax, 13, Zahara, 11, Shiloh, 10, and the soon-to-be-deposed twin messiahs Knox and Vivienne, 8. The Jolie-Pitt kids are GROWN. Remember when Maddox was just a little skate rat glaring at Billy Bob Thornton to leave? Check them out in the tweet below.
Serious artiste Shia LaBeouf’s latest artistic endeavor was dealt a serious blow this month when it was shut down at the Museum of the Moving Image in Queens, NY.
HEWILLNOTDIVIDE.US is a “participatory performance artwork resisting the normalisation of division,” according to Shia’s latest press release. Despite the highfalutin description, it was basically a webcam that you were supposed to record yourself saying “he will not divide us” in front of to spurn anything Trump. The plan was to have it run the entire length of Trump’s presidency (so, four years if we’re lucky, eight years if the universe hates us, and endlessly if it becomes the dictatorship we’re all fearing). Unfortunately for Shia, it was given the boot after alt-right fuckfaces and assorted Neo-Nazis kept showing up to troll it and The Beouf himself.
The IKEA Allen Wrench!
The victims of the Bowling Green Massacre took to the streets last night and lit Swedish Fish while humming the melody of a Robyn song to show solidarity with the victims of what happened in Sweden on Friday night. At a rally in Melbourne, FL yesterday, Donald Trump was talking about terrorist attacks and refugees in Europe when he dropped this piece of information that made the brains of Swedes burp up a lingonberry-scented question mark.
“Here’s the bottom line, we’ve got to keep our country safe … You look at what’s happening in Germany, you look at what’s happening last night in Sweden. Sweden, who would believe this. Sweden.”
Nobody knew what the fuck he was talking about.