Open Post: Hosted By The Final Trailer For “Beauty And The Beast”

January 31, 2017 / Posted by:

In my 468 posts about Disney’s live-action Beauty and the Beast movie, I called Belle a dog fucker several times since she wants to get on The Beast’s lipstick. But in the final trailer for Beauty and the Beast, Belle comes off as a woodfucker, because The Beast looks like a Chewbacca figure that was carved out of a tree trunk (see: The Beast’s wood-looking face above). How much wood would a woodfucker fuck…. I don’t even want to think about the places that Belle would get splinters in.

If you don’t want to pay to see the live-action Beauty and the Beast movie, then this trailer may be for you. It tells the entire story in under 3 minutes! No need to deal with a kid kicking the back of your seat while loudly wondering where Harry Potter is.

Even though this trailer has zero shots of Gaston’s manly chest fur and beefy nipples, I was with it…until a certain donut attacker’s voice yodeled on in….

Celine Dion and Peabo Bryson are out and Ariana Grande Latte and John Legend are in. (But Celine does sing a new song on the soundtrack.) Beauty and the Beast is supposed to be fluffy escapism that makes people happy for a second, but Disney just had to mess it up by replacing the GREATEST SINGUH IN DA WORLD with her! That evil bitch Mickey Mouse will cackle over our pain while counting all the cash this movie is going to make.

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