It seems like Nicole Kidman’s stylist has been smoking some bedazzled crack rocks lately, but they must’ve smoked the right kind of bedazzled rock yesterday. Because Nicole Kidman covered the SAG Awards with tons of fucking sequins and crazy parrot glamour. If you’re wearing a Gucci dress that Barry Manilow can easily use as a backdrop to sing Copacabana in front of, then you’re wearing the right Gucci dress. I don’t know whether to throw crackers at her titties or beg her fabulous parrot friends to sing the Enchanted Tiki Room song to us. Nicole really is giving us tiki, tiki, tiki, tiki, tiki room realness.
If one of Jimmy Buffet’s Margaritaville restaurants opened up a lounge where torch song versions of his songs were sung, Nicole Kidman would be that joint’s main singer. Nicole has been putting crazy shit on her body lately and this shit is still crazy, but it’s the right kind of crazy. You can never go wrong by dressing as the hostess at a Rainforest Cafe that’s run by Liberace.
And Nicole trained her bedazzled chest parrots well, because they behaved and didn’t peck at Keith Urban after mistaking his fake tanner face for dehydrated papaya.