Taylor Swift and Zayn Malik’s song I Don’t Wanna Live Forever is ten layers of annoying wrapped in twenty layers of unsexy, so it’s perfect for the Fifty Shades Darker soundtrack. The video for it, which came out last night, is also perfect, because like a Fifty Shades movie, you’ll want to turn it off after 15 seconds. That’s if you don’t fall into a boredom-induced coma first.
The video starts with Zayn slow-walking into a hotel, where it looks like Tay Tay is throwing a party. He does have the look of someone who is making their way to a Tay Tay party. He looks like he’s preparing to spend the next 45 minutes rolling his eyes in between trying to nap with his eyes open. But in Tay Tay’s defense, Zayn always looks like he just chased a NyQuil shot with a bong hit while watching yet another boring new episode of The Affair.
And as Zayn sleepwalks through the lobby, Tay hangs out at what’s supposed to look like an Eyes Wide Shut hotel room party, but instead looks like a Phantom of the Opera-themed house party thrown by straight edge high school theater students (no offense to straight edge high school theater students). Zayn ends up in his own hotel room. He made the right choice by skipping Tay Tay’s party. I guess the sheets in Zayn’s room weren’t the right thread count, because he starts throwing shit. While Zayn trashes his room in the least rock ‘n roll way possible, Tay Tay writhes on her bed like a possessed ferret with fleas. That hotel’s Yelp page must have this review on it:
Zay Zay and Tay Tay eventually end up in the same place, and when they do, you’ll either fall asleep or have a seizure from all of those goddamn flashing lights.
They have the chemistry of uncooked oatmeal and cold tap water, but with that being said, they still have more chemistry than Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan.
And here’s Zayn stopping to look at a gorgeous fanmade portrait while struttin’ into Gigi Hadid’s apartment building in NYC last night.