On last year’s cover of Vanity Fair’s Hollywood Issue were the likes of Jane Fonda, Viola Davis and Cate Blanchett looking like you at the DMV when the number in your hand says “198” and they just called number “10.” Their faces told a story and that story was, “I am bored but I also want to fuck a bitch up.” And for this year’s cover, Vanity Fair did what they’ve done a million times before: they gave us bored pretty youngins’ in $10,000 gowns.
There’s future Oscar winner (she’s probably going to win, ugh) Emma Stone looking like she’s chilling on a potty-training potty. There’s Oscar winner Lupita Nyong’o side-sitting like she’s letting out a fart. And then there’s Amy Adams, who has no idea that she’s about to get dry fucked by Oscar, and Oscar winner Natalie Portman in a wrinkled dress. Vanity Fair’s graphic artiste couldn’t use the Photoshop steam tool on Natalie’s dress after they used the Botox tool on everyone’s faces?
On the inside cover is Ruth Negga (Loving), Dakota Fanning (American Pastoral), Elle Fanning (20th Century Women), Aja Naomi King (The Birth Of A Nation), Greta Gerwig (Jackie and 20th Century Women), Janelle Monae (Moonlight and Hidden Figures) and Dakota Johnson, who’s on the cover because she’s in the sweeper of the 2018 Oscars, Fifty Shits Darker. I know, one of these things is not like the others.
— VANITY FAIR (@VanityFair) January 26, 2017
Annie Leibovitz also took single portraits of each chick, and here’s Natalie holding her not-so-secret Oscar campaign weapon while wearing the drapes from your grandma’s “nice” living room:
Natalie’s second kid is apparently due to show up in the spring, but I have a feeling that if her name isn’t called as the winner of Best Actress on February 26, she’s going to scream that she’s going into labor as the winner stands onstage like, “I knew her ass was going to pull that shit.”
Pic: Annie Leibovitz/Vanity Fair