Hot Slut Of The Day!
The Tupperware pitcher that everybody’s mom, grandma, great-grandma, auntie, great-auntie, neighbor and babysitter had. And probably still have!
Betty White, Styrofoam packing peanuts, Irene Cara*, that opened box of Baking Soda in the back of your fridge, those frozen batteries in your freezer and most of Keith Richards are just a few of the things that will live on past the apocalypse. And the classic Tupperware pitcher belongs on that list too. Everyone had (and still has) that Tupperware pitcher. I always thought it was like the idol in Raiders of the Lost Ark. If you removed it from the house, the walls would shake, doors would knock off their hinges, dust would fall from the popcorn ceiling and a giant boulder of doom (aka your angry abuelita who used that pitcher for EVERYTHING) would come at you. It was the pillar of every kitchen.
The pitcher my mom had wasn’t even from Tupperware. It was a knock-off version she bought at a discount store named Pic ‘N’ Save, but it still lasted through my entire childhood. We lost the lid at some point, but the indestructible bitch kept on going. The Avengers or Justice League should recruit the plastic Tupperware pitcher, because trick cannot be destroyed. Fuck Ford, that thing was really built to last. When we got a dishwasher, my mom put our bootleg Tupperware pitcher in there all the time, so eventually the handle started to look a little Mickey Rourke-ish. You know, melted and rough, but still beautiful.
I don’t know whatever happened to my mom’s not-Tupperware plastic pitcher. It’s probably in the back corner of one of her kitchen cabinets, where it’s cursing Brita, Keurig, Capri Sun and Kool-Aid singles for putting it out of a job.
The other thing I remember about our pitcher is that the scent of everything we mixed in it stuck to its plastic walls. I bet if I poured white wine in that pitcher and let the sweet nectar marinate in there for a second, it’d eventually taste like sangria. Yes, it’d probably taste like a rotten sangria, but a sangria nonetheless. The next time I’m at my mom’s house, I’m going to throw on my Indiana Jones hat and venture into the darkness of the kitchen cabinets to find the instant-sangria-making plastic idol of magic!
* She told us she’s gonna live forever.
Pic: Etsy