When the piss-haired egomaniac met the piss-haired egomaniac at Trump Tower in December, many of us guessed that Donald Trump was either going to offer Kanye West a cabinet position (Secretary of the Interior, because Kanye is into interior design and shit) or ask him to perform at the inauguration. Neither happened. I figured that Kanye wasn’t ask to perform at Trump’s inauguration, because he’s just not a big enough star to join the A-list extravaganza that includes an America’s Got Talent runner-up, Tony Orlando and 3 Doors Down. But it turns out that Kanye wasn’t asked to perform because he just doesn’t fit the “traditionally American” vibe that organizers are going for.
CNN’s Erin Burnett was talking to Tom Barrack, the head of the Presidential Inauguration Committee, and asked if Kanye is performing since he has farted up words of praise about Trump before (but in Kanye’s defense, he was reportedly in a bad way mentally at the time). Tom Barrack said that they didn’t even ask Kanye and not because they’ll already have their hands full with one unpredictable bag of messiness. The inauguration is going to be “traditionally American” and that’s why they didn’t ask him. Yeah, that’s not code for anything.
“We haven’t asked him. He’s been great, he considers himself a friend of the President-elect, but it’s not the venue. The venue we have for entertainment is filled out and it’s perfect. It’s going to be typically and traditionally American. Kanye is a great guy, we just haven’t asked him to perform. And we move on with our agenda.”
Reach for the popcorn emojis, because Tom’s words could lead to an all-out Twitter war between Kanye and Trump.
— Unstripped Voice (@UnstrippedVoice) January 18, 2017
If they’re going for “traditionally American,” then the main act better be two crazed suburban moms punching each other over a 25% off Black Friday flat-screen TV as a chorus of competitive eaters gobble down dozens of Krispy Kreme Double Downs behind them. There’s nothing more traditionally American than that. But really, that explains why the inauguration committee hired Michael Flatley to do the traditionally American dance known as Irish stepdancing!
After finding out that Michael Flatley was booked, the inauguration theme of “soft sensuality” makes total sense now: