Hot Slut Of The Day!

Horny Ole’ Bert, the 22-year-old African spurred tortoise who fucked his way to arthritis.

If for some bizarre reason one of your goals is to be Hot Slut of the Day (don’t say that out loud or you’ll be 5150’d immediately), then all you have to do is find a way to shape-shift into a tortoise and bone like you’re Hugh Hefner on meth-coated Viagra and you’ve got a long conveyer belt line of bored plastic blondes waiting to jump on your turtle dick and bob up and down for 2 pumps. Because past HSOTDs have included Diego the prolific boner who used his savior tortoise peen to save his species, the two tortoise lovahs who made a boring ass fashion show a billion times more exciting by making sweet love during it and the heroic tortoise who tried to attack an annoying cock blocker for interrupting his sex times. And today we have Bert, the African spurred tortoise who mated so much that he ended up with arthritis.  “Pfft,” said those of us who have mated so much (with ourselves) that we’ve got arthritis of the right hand.

Bert lives at the Secret Animal Garden at the Dinosaur Adventure Park in Norfolk in England and his keeper, also named Bert, tells SWNS (via The Sun) that they lent him to a tortoise breeding program in 2011. When Bert came back after the two-month-long fuck session, his back legs started swelling and he had trouble getting around. Keeper Bert says that back at the breeding program, he raw dogged on 5 lady tortoises so much that it messed up his legs.

“I wasn’t there for the whole time [he was away on the breeding programme] but I imagine he was quite interested in the female tortoises. African spurred tortoises are prolific breeders who can produce up to 60 to 70 offspring a year and he is no exception.”

Vets hooked Horny Ole’ Bert up to wheels to help him get around until his rear legs heal. The wheels will probably come off next month.

“They see me rollin’, they hatin‘” has taken on a whole new meaning. When Bert rolls by the other dude tortoises, they’re really going to hate on him because they know that he got those wheels from getting on so much hot lady tortoise ass and busting so many raw tortoise nuts. Horny Ole’ Bert’s vets should install a wheel-lock on him, because he’s going to get even more tortoise coochie now that he’s got a pair of hot wheels. Vroom, vroom.

Pic: SWNS/YouTube