And in a PLOT TWIST that may shock everyone who thought that the Kartrashian jewelry heist was a staged scheme for attention and insurance purposes, the people that were arrested didn’t include Kim Kartrashian herself, Kanye West, Pimp Mama Kris and producers from E! for falsifying a crime for ratings. So we’re not going to get the image of little Ryan Seacrest kicking and screaming as French police put him into Just My Size™ handcuffs.
We’re taking a quick break from giving you an endless Golden Globes bukkake to bring you an update in the latest storyline on Krapping up the Kartrashians. The New York Times says that early this morning, police in France busted over a dozen people who may have played a part in robbing Kim Kartrashian of million of dollars in jewelry, including that extremely tasteful and modest $4.5 million engagement ring. Agnès Thibault-Lecuivre, a rep for the Paris prosecutor’s office, tells the NYT that they arrested over a dozen people in Paris and southern France. She didn’t name names but says the oldest is 72 and the others are in their 40s, 50s and 60s, “which suggested that they were part of an ‘experienced’ group.” The NYT says that 17 were put into handcuffs, but others say that 16 people are currently sitting in a cell. Agnès Thibault-Lecuivre said this about the arrests:
“You have the robbers, and then the one who is going to sell off the goods, the one who puts people in touch, the stone cutter, etc. It didn’t take a lot of time. It took three months, and three months in this kind of investigation is quite short.”
TMZ says that surveillance footage of the thieves getting away on bikes and DNA left at the scene helped cops round up the suspects. DNA was found on the gag the robbers used to shut Kim up. One police source tells AFP that the DNA led police to a known crook:
“One of the DNA samples matched an individual known to police for robbery and criminal offences, who is considered a major thug. [We were able to] build up a picture of the criminal network behind the robbery … adding that it stretched to Belgium.”
The cops have 96 hours to either charge or release the suspects. Investigators may also travel to NYC to interview Kim Kartrashian in person.
PMK’s minions better add extra caffeine to the Venti cups of sacrificial goat blood she drinks throughout the day, because it’s going to be a really busy Monday for her. PMK is going to have to look over the headshots of all of the investigators who may interview her main ho to see if they’re kamera-ready or need to be rekast. And once she does that, she’s going to call up the police in France and scream at them for making those arrests on the day that everyone is paying attention to Meryl Streep. They should’ve waited until tomorrow so they could get maximum attention! PMK is going to pass out when she demands to speak to the head of the police department’s STUNT QUEEN division and finds out that they don’t have one.
Here’s pictures of the suspects (blurring provided by the photo agency, not me) in Paris today: