The news reported yesterday that thousands of people who were in a coma miraculously woke up and doctors can’t explain it. There’s now an explanation: Kim Kartrashian hit the ho stroll AND she took her first selfie of 2017. We all have a reason to live in this world again!
Surprisingly, not everyone shat out their insides from the excitement of Kim being back. Only a few photo agencies had these pictures, so the paps who didn’t answer Pimp Mama Kris’ call better temporarily move into a church, because she’s going to curse all their names in her next sacrificial ritual to her boss Satan.
Kim was papped yesterday after having lunch in Bel Air. Judging by those ugly shredded jeans, you may have guessed that Kim had lunch with Khloe Kartrashian, who couldn’t help herself and bit those jeans up after Kim accidentally spilled a little bit of gravy on them. But Kim bought those torn jeans like that. Or she hardcore kweefed. Who knows!
Doing a quick stroll for the paps wasn’t the only earth-shattering thing that Kim did yesterday. She also Snapchatted her first selfie since getting robbed in Paris three months ago. Do I even want to know what Pimp Mama Kris is doing in that selfie? Sadly, I already know. She’s putting her hands in the pre-fap position and waiting for that selfie to get tons of attention after TMZ makes it their top story.
A while ago, an Instagram account farted out a theory about Kim’s robbery. Konspiracy theorists think Kim staged it so she could have a reason to take a break from social media as she got her giant ass reduced. I don’t know. I think we’d know for sure if Kim got a butt reduction, because we’d hear about how a bunch of nurses and doctors were rushed to the hospital after they cut open a patient’s ass and a humongous wave of silicone, soil jelly and Fix-A-Flat took them out.