A few months ago, Susan Sarandon’s actress/mommy blogging daughter Eva Amurri spit out a looong post on her blog about how she had to pink slip a nanny for allegedly trying to turn her husband into the next Ben Affleck by fucking him. Eva had another dramatic nanny tale to tell, only this time, the nanny wasn’t trying to get on her husband’s dick. Eva’s night nanny allegedly fell asleep on the job and dropped her three-month-old baby on his head. So now Eva’s probably going to run out and buy a helmet for her baby’s head and a locked helmet for husband’s crotch.
Those who think that I am the most melodramatic blogging mess on the wasteland that is the internet are right, but Eva Amurri is second. She’s beyond dramatic. But Eva had a right to be dramatic in her latest blog post, because her baby son cracked his skull after his nanny accidentally sent him free falling to the floor. Eva wrote on her blog that she’s got “some form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, possibly linked to some form of Postpartum Depression” and has been overreacting to everything. Eva also wrote that her anxiety levels shot up to infinity and beyond when she and her husband Kyle Martino woke up to the sound of their baby son Major James (yes, that’s his real name) hitting the floor.
A couple of days after Thanksgiving, our Night Nurse fell asleep while holding Major and dropped him, and he cracked his head on the hardwood floor. Kyle and I were sleeping at the time and were awoken by the sound of his head hitting the floor, and then hysterical piercing screams. He suffered a fractured skull and bleeding on his brain, and was transported by ambulance to Yale Medical Center where I spent two harrowing days with him to receive emergency care and further testing. To say these were the most traumatic and anxious two days of my life is an understatement.
Eva said that despite Major James cracking his little skull, he was okay and no permanent damage was done.
But here’s the good part: by the grace of all of his many angels, and every God one cares to pray to, MAJOR IS FINE. Completely fine. Though he had the fracture, some skull displacement, and bleeding, the skull did not touch his brain and the bleeding was localized. Further MRI’s showed no brain damage and we were discharged by experts in pediatrics and neurology with as excellent of a prognosis as we could have ever hoped for. We were absolutely, divinely lucky that day. He had no other broken bones, and no spinal effects whatsoever. He has been healing well, hitting milestones, cooing, smiling, and generally showing us that he is and will be ok as he grows and develops.
Eva then used approximately 12,993,989 words to say that she’s got major mommy guilt, let the night nanny go, is taking two weeks off from her blog and will never ever trust anyone else to take care of Major James or her 2-year-old daughter Marlowe Mae Martino. But that doesn’t mean that Eva’s Dramatic Nanny Tales are over. She still lets others take care of her children during the day while she runs errands and stuff.
After Eva got shit from people who spit at her for using nannies, she wrote this for them on Instagram.
To those who have expressed judgement, cruelty, and criticism of me, my choices, or my fragility during this time- I’m not going to justify myself to you. But I sincerely wish that 2017 brings you enough self love and confidence that you no longer feel the need to tear down another person during their darkest moment.
Stories like this one up my fear of holding a live human baby. I hardly ever hold babies, because I’m always afraid of dropping ’em. And also because in order to be around children I need to drink as much booze as possible and I am not going to put down my drink to hold a baby. I have my priorities in check!
And well, if Eva ever wants to hire another full-time nanny, she should hire this toddler hero. He may only be 2-years-old, but he’s already an expert baby saver!