I know what you’re thinking and no, the above photo is not from the Area 51 vault, even though it definitely looks like JLo and her associate are putting the final touches on an ultra realistic Drakebot.
I have to hand it to Jennifer Lopez and Drake. They manage to continue grabbing those headlines without, you know, doing anything. They have achieved my greatest wish in life: to make the most money with the least effort. This is how it’s done! And yes, I am taking detailed notes.
People broke the news that JLo seems happy in this week-old relationship of convenience.
“Jen is looking forward with excitement to the new year. She keeps hanging out with Drake, and he has visited her house,” says a Lopez source. “She has nothing but nice things to say about Drake.”
He visited her house and family. You know what that means? Jack shit! God, they’re good.
But the Lopez source says while they “do work on music together,” the pair also “clearly enjoy each other on another level, too.”
Yes, obviously, the dark level that constantly hungers for fame. But also, who wouldn’t enjoy this? They’re making that sweet money just by lounging around, spooning at fancy restaurants and drinking top-shelf booze. Again, where do I sign up???
“Jen loves the attention and she seems very happy to be spending time with him,” says the Lopez source. “Drake is very charming. He treats Jen with lots of respect. She seems very smitten.”
Ding! “Jen loves the attention” — full stop. End of story.
I’m hearing a lot of that vague “nice” language. You know, the stuff your friends say when you’re dating a real milquetoast and Dockers relaxed-fit khaki type of dude, and the only thing they can think to say about him is “he seems nice.” The worst. But I suppose that’s probably all they can say at this point. The two have probably spent a grand total of 24 hours together, but couldn’t they throw us some kind of bone? What kind of insurance waivers did Drake have to sign in order to touch the famous JLo rump roast? Something!
All we know now is what we knew a few days ago, which is JLo is twerkin’ in Las Vegas and Drake is occasionally nuzzling her on couches. Turn it up, guys! It’s the end days of 2016. If you want people to pay attention to you and pull themselves away from returning shitty gifts they got, it’s gonna take a little more than an Instagram hug or walking together.