I know what you’re thinking. “When the hell did Cher and Wesley Snipes in Demolition Man drag have kids?!!!” Believe me I said the same thing, but that is not them. 2016’s winner for Most Miserable Khristmas Kard is brought to you by none other than Kim Kardashian-West and her beloved Frank Ocean impersonator hubby Kanye West. I believe if Charles Dickens were still alive, first off, he’d be old as fuck. But secondly, I believe that he would have based his ghosts from A Christmas Carol off of the Kardashians, with Caitlyn Jenner as the ghost of Christmas Past, Kris Jenner as the ghost of Christmas Present (because her children are the world’s favorite stocking stuffers) and all the little Kid-Dashians as the ghosts of Christmas Future, which is a scary thought. And also in his updated tale, Kim is Tiny Tim to Kanye’s evil Scrooge.
This sad Christmas tale begins with cocktails and conversation at the Gates of Hell, which ironically is not Khloe and Kylie’s new chain of high end strip clubs. Apparently, Kanye wasn’t present at Pimp Mama Kris’s annual party on Christmas Eve amidst the turmoil brewing between him and Kim.
The Daily Mail reports that both Kim and Kanye are in a very dark place right now and Kim insisted that Kanye stay away from the tidings of selfies and infamy at PMK’s yuletide shit log of a gathering. Although they did attend a performance of The Nutcracker together with their daughter North on Friday evening, Kim and Kanye didn’t attend the party as a couple as they have in previous years. So a dateless Kim showed up to PMK’s house wearing all of her favorite accoutrements (fake hair, fake ass, fake everything) EXCEPT her wedding ring! And then, later that night, Kanye gave Kim the huge “Fuck You!” when he showed up to the party despite her demands for him to stay away. The next morning Kim and Kanye were spotted leaving her eldest sister Kourtney Kardashian’s house and the two of them did not look happy at all.
It’s no secret that America’s Sour-hearts have been on a rapid decline unfolding before the public eye for awhile. From Kim’s impromptu bondage role play at gun point in October, to Kanye’s unscheduled tour dates at the UCLA Medical Center in November, we all should have been prepared for some type of drama in December, because their tattered lives are the gifts that keep on giving all year round. Insiders suggest that their marriage is in its last days, which comes as no surprise since the Kardshians chew men up and spit them out like day old Bubbalicious. However, Kim claims that they’re not on their way to Divorce Town just yet, even though nobody believes her. The two of them are reportedly seeking the help of counselors for their own individual issues yet haven’t been to see a therapist together. You know, because when a marriage gets rocky you don’t need to work on it with your partner or anything like that. I swear I hope 2016 does one final coup de grace and kills all of their careers, because if we don’t have to hear about them in 2017 that would be the best thing 2016 could have done for all of us.
Well anyway, here’s some pics of Kanye’s majestic transition from cheap-but-delicious orange Tang to sweet and sophisticated Country Time Lemonade.