I say “touching,” because you may want to touch your tonsils while heaving after imagining Santa Claus using his cinnamon tongue to work an egg nog geyser out of Courtney Stodden.
Courtney Stodden delivered a last-minute Christmas ditty (“You spelled ‘dooty’ wrong.” – a HATER) for you to add to your holiday playlist. Courtney’s Mistletoe Bikini is sort of like a Hustler Magazine reboot of Santa Baby. Courtney takes her grandaddy issues to the North Pole when she yodels about being Santa’s side ho ho ho. After Santa slides into Courtney’s DMs on Twitter, he slides his candy cane down her crotch chimney. I know I brought it upon myself, but my Christmas was ruined about five seconds ago after realizing that I was writing Santa and Porn Iguana fanfic.
I put the video after a cut because it auto-plays and the fact that it auto-plays isn’t the worst part. The worst part is the rest of the video from Santa’s beard looking like it just had a date with Ray-J to Mrs. Claus looking like a jaundice-stricken Grinch in bad drag.
With that being said, this my new favorite Christmas song. I just want to put on a mistletoe thong to sing this song while caroling through the neighborhood but I don’t want to spend my Christmas in a jail cell (after being charged with disturbing ears and eyes) . And on another positive note, Santa is a major, major upgrade from Courtney’s Bruce Springsteen-on-meth-looking ass husband.