The heroic sex shop workers from San Bernardino, CA who chased off a thief with dildos!
Every time I read the “other” news (as opposed to the “real” news, which is what we give you here), it feels like a black cloud just shit all over me. It’s doom, gloom and depressing crap. So this was the feel-good story I needed and it was like a ray of sunshine butt-fucking me right.
ABC7 reports that on Wednesday night at closing time, a thief with a (probably fake) gun tried to rob Lotions & Lace in San Bernardino and ended up getting fucked (and not in a hot way) by several flying dildos. The store manager “Amy” says that at 9:45pm, a dude with his face covered came in with a gun and demanded cash. Amy and the brunette avenger in the picture above on the right weren’t even trying to think about it. It was closing time, they wanted to get out of there and that stupid motherfucker was keeping them from going home to watch the Survivor finale while eating ice cream, dammit. That thief was dumber than a dildo and messed with the wrong ones.
Amy says that the gun looked like a joke to her anyway and she wasn’t about to entertain his ideas. Amy also sort-of quoted one of the greatest philosophers of our time, Sweet Brown, when she said she ain’t got time for that.
“With the gun, he walked in. I just thought he was trying to be funny, to scare us. But then I saw the gun and it was like, really? I don’t have time for this.”
When the robber grabbed Amy, the other employee grabbed a dildo and chucked it at that bitch. The dildo IS mightier than the sword. That’s when Amy and the dildo warrior attacked the thief with fake dicks and screams until he finally gave up. Dude was done in by two badasses and rubber dicks. Here’s the news report, which should make the Peabody Awards people throw trophies at ABC7 like a sex shop employee throwing dildos at a robber.
Now THAT is my kind of feel-good holiday story.
Amy and the other employees should probably put a sign on the front door that reads: No, We’re Not Going To Throw Dildos At You. Because I have a feeling that masochists who get the tingles from the idea of getting slapped with dildos by two screaming women are going to come into the store and ask for The Robber With A Fake Gun Special.
Pic: ABC7 (Thanks to everyone who sent this in!)