You Only Have 5 Months To Buy Pippa Middleton A Toaster For Her Wedding

December 16, 2016 / Posted by:

I’m suggesting a toaster, since she clearly doesn’t need another crystal paperweight. She’s already got one on her left hand.

Pippa Middleton, the non-hydrogenated spread to Kate Middleton’s butter, has finally set a date for her wedding to rich banker James Matthews. We can all let out that breath we’ve been holding in for the past five months.

Hello! says that Pippa and James are getting married on May 20, 2017 at St. Marks Church in Englefield. The reception will be held at Pippa’s parents’ house in Bucklebury. I’m sort of from the country, so when I hear that a wedding reception is back at the house of the bride’s parents, I picture a cooler full of canned wine and three-to-five buckets of KFC on fold-out tables that were bought from Walmart (and returned the next day). Pippa’s parents house is called Bucklebury Manor, so it’s not going to be that kind of reception.

Prince Harry is supposedly invited. As for which other members of the Royal family will be there. Prince George is rumored to be a pageboy, which sounds like the fancy British version of a ring bearer, while Princess Charlotte will be a flower girl. No word on if Pippa will return the favor and make Duchess Kate her maid of honor. Hello! is saying that James’ best man will be his brother, Made in Chelsea’s Spencer Matthews. Okay, I take back what I said about it being that kind of wedding. There’s no way a wedding that includes Prince Harry, Spencer Matthews, and Kate and Pippa’s jealous-of-the-attention brother James Middleton won’t turn that reception into the sort of thing that ends up with the dance floor being hosed down and disinfected at the end of the night.

Pic: Splash

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