Hot Slut Of The Day!

December 16, 2016 / Posted by:

Starr from the first episode of the new America’s Next Top Model!

I am four days late with this (what else is new?), but it’s really never too late to pay homage to a basic cable blossom of perfection. I finally got around to watching the first episode of America’s Mid-Range Instagram THOT on Vh1 and it’s pretty much the same old shit SANS Tyra Banks’ signature brand of crazy. One of my favorite scenes was when the contestants find out that Rita Ora is the new host and they go crazy like the producers didn’t say beforehand, “Listen someone named Rita Ora is hosting, because we’re on a tight budget, and instead of saying, ‘Who?’, when she comes out, just scream like you know who she is.”

But my favorite, favorite moments were the ones starring STARR with two Rs. Starr is my kind, because she’s got a perfect headline stripper name and she believes in the power of bold lip liner, fake eyelashes and an eyebrow situation that can only be achieved with a brown matte Sharpie. It’s as if my cholita friends from high school gave Starr a glam-over using only Wet ‘N Wild and Bonne Bell products. Starr also has a Nome Malone-esque quality about her and that is the greatest compliment you can give anyone next to you, “You are Nomi Malone.”

When Starr first popped up on my screen, it was love at first sight, so I knew she wouldn’t make it far. There’s no way the likes of Rita Ora would let anyone as upstage-able and gorgeous as Starr get through the first round. Since jealousy is a real thing, the ones with the most beauty and charisma never make it far.

Starr ended up getting a lady boner for another contestant: Kyle, the hot stick of androgyny who the judges compared to Ruby Rose (but she gave me shades of Kim Stolz). Starr and Kyle flirted for a bit, and Starr got coochmatized without even getting the cooch.

A big chunk of the contestants were cut to make up the final 14 and they all found out from a bouncer who let them know if they were on or off the list. Like all of them, Starr wanted to make the cut, but mostly because she wanted to get into a house with Kyle. Well, only the good die young and only the most gorgeous get cut right away from a basic cable modeling show. Starr got cut and had a mini-meltdown and not because she lost her chance at a spread in Paper Magazine, but because she lost her chance at getting that ass.

At around the 1:59 mark, Kyle gets in and then Starr gets cut.

 

Starr has beauty AND brains. She knows that winning ANTM is probably not going to lead to shit, but when is she going to come across some true hotness she wants to break herself a piece of? Of course, many on Twitter talked shit about Starr for thinking she’s on The Bachelorette, but I praised her. Starr has her priorities in check. A Starr was born… and then was cut by Rita Ora out of pure jealousy.

Pic: Vh1

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