Pictured: Taylor, Zayn and a traumatized pussy doing an impersonation of your eardrums while listening to their new duet.
Last night, Taylor Swift surprised her fans when she twatted a 30-second clip of the song that she and Zayn Malik yodeled out for the Fifty Shits Darker soundtrack. Taylor and Zayn doing a song for Fifty Shits is the new definition of “WUT?” for a lot of people, but it makes perfect sense to me. Judging by the trailers and the first dried turd nugget of a movie, Fifty Shits Darker looks about as hot and sexy as a bag of freezer-burnt succotash, so it’s completely on brand and 100% fitting for Taylor Swift to do a song for it. It’s a perfect fit!
Taylor cooing out a song for the unsexiest movie of next year makes total sense, but at first, I didn’t understand the pairing of Taylor and Zayn until I listened to the clip of their song. A dust bunny and carpet lint have more sexual chemistry than Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan do and they totally don’t go together. And in Tay Tay and Zay Zay’s song, I Don’t Wanna Live Forever, they outdo Dakota and Jamie in the shit chemistry department and prove that their voices so don’t belong together.
Warning: Listening to Taylor and Zayn’s high-pitch screeches in this clip may cause your eardrums to wish that they had a mouth to shout out their safe word with.
— Taylor Swift (@taylorswift13) December 9, 2016
That song is unsexy, awkward and painful. It’s the perfect song for Fifty Shits Darker!
And poor Gigi Hadid. The next time Gigi complains about having to toilet paper and egg the house of one of Taylor’s enemies, Taylor’s going to hit her with: “Listen bitch, one more whine, and you’re over. I put your lil’ fake boyfriend in MY song. You owe me.”
Here’s Comrade Gigi of the Swift Squad working a cornrow-hawk in NYC yesterday.