PAGING JACKSON GALAXY! PAGING JACKSON GALAXY! Your services are needed at Trump World Tower in Manhattan and not because the tortured and mangy cat on Donald Trump’s head needs rescuing. There’s a rabid pussy on the loose there. Or was, anyway.
Page Six reports that the socialite millionairess who spent millions of dollars to purposefully look like Simba in glamour drag was trapped in a net by animal control this morning and was sedated before she was shipped off to cat jail. No, but 15-year-old (in cat years) Jocelyn Wildenstein was reportedly arrested on
feliney felony assault charges for allegedly scratching the face of her 49-year-old man Lloyd Klein during a violent fight in their Trump World Tower apartment at around 1:30 this morning. Sources say that Jocelyn also slashed Lloyd’s chest with scissors, which caused him to bleed.
Lloyd apparently had to shove Jocelyn into a closet to keep her from attacking him again. I’m sure that before he did that, he tried to distract her rabid ass with a laser pointer or paralyze her by tying a sock around her waist.
Jocelyn is way too damn old to be going wild like that. All the cats I know who are that old are always tired and if they wanted to hurt you, they’d just shank you with their eyes or piss on your shoes. I take back what I said in the headline about Jocelyn being committed to the cat thing. If she was really committed to acting like a cat her age, she wouldn’t be attacking Lloyd. She’d be too busy trying to clean her ass before giving up and taking her 99th nap of the day.
And if Jocelyn was Anna Faris and Chris Pratt’s cat, she’d be on her way to a new home right now.