Entertainment Tonight reported yesterday that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s temporary custody agreement was approved by a judge last Friday. As we know, both sides agreed that she gets full physical custody of their six kids for now and he gets to visit. ET adds that child custody psychologist Ian Russ will decide when and how often Brad gets to visit and the visits will be monitored by a therapist. The entire family, including St. Angie and Brad, will continue to get therapy. This agreement is just temporary and Brad is still trying to get joint custody, which TMZ says is fucking with Angie’s ultimate goal to take a full-time gig with United Nations in London. In a few months when we’re all breathing in apocalypse dust while sitting on a pile of rubble, we’re going to say, “Thanks, Brad,” because if he just gave St. Angie full custody, she could’ve moved to London and SAVED THE WORLD!
We first heard about Angie’s alleged plans to get a UN job a few months ago, but I guess Team Pitt finally figured out what the number to TMZ’s tip line is, because TMZ threw up a story about that today. Angie’s rep denies it, but TMZ’s sources still say that she wants to move all of her children to London and Brad is a greasy, dick-cheese covered monkey wrench in her plans. Sources say that the unbreakable holy union of Brangelina started breaking more than a year ago and she was looking for a reason to dump him. That reason apparently came when Brad allegedly went crazy on Maddox Jolie-Pitt on a private jet. The FBI and the Department of Children and Family Services has since declared Brad off the hook.
TMZ’s sources also say that two members of Angie’s Justice League-level dream team have been telling her that she could be Secretary General of the United Nations. In order to get her dream job, Angie needs to be able to move the children out of the country and that will be hard to do if Brad gets joint physical custody. Angie will have to prove that Brad gets an F in parenting if she wants full physical custody. Sources also claim that those two members of her dream team “orchestrated” DCFS’ involvement.
St. Angie’s rep once again stomped out TMZ’s story and said that she wants to continue therapy with Brad and the kids.
TMZ also says that as part of the temporary custody agreement, Brad will still get randomly drug and booze tested at least 4 times a month. FOUR FUCKING TIMES A MONTH! That would be a serious Sophie’s Choice for me. Do I let go of something that cures headaches (a precious bong) or something that causes headaches (kids)? Eh, I’d hold on to my bong, because with kids, you can always Skype with them and send them a birthday card with a $20 bill in it every year. And that’s more than my dad did! But seriously, Brad better watch out and be on guard at all times. Because I have a feeling that the night before one of his “random” drugs tests, the Ghost of Stoner Present will magically appear in a cloud of good shit vapor at the foot of his bed and tempt him to take a puff. And yes, the Ghost of Stoner Present will be a giant smokeable bong. And yes, inside of that giant smokeable bong will be a member of St. Angie’s dream team.