A Canadian Town Is Threatening Drunk Drivers With Nickelback Songs

December 1, 2016 / Posted by:

That’s right: CBC News reports that in Kensington, Prince Edward Island cops have threatened drunk drivers with a ride to the pokey complete with Nickelback soundtrack. In the nerve-fraying election aftermath it’s been pretty common to hear people talking about packing it all in and moving to Canada. Well, Canadians are notoriously nice, but after some polite laughter I think this is their way of saying, “Don’t get too close, bitch.”

The cops in Kensington took to Facebook to let everyone know that drunken fuckery behind the wheel will not be tolerated, even if that means the cruel and unusual punishment of listening to Chad Kroeger.

“When we catch you, and we will catch you, on top of a hefty fine, a criminal charge and a year’s driving suspension we will also provide you with a bonus gift of playing the office’s copy of Nickelback in the cruiser on the way to jail,” reads the post, alongside a photo of Nickelback’s 2001 album Silver Side Up.

“So please, let’s not ruin a perfectly good unopened copy of Nickelback. You don’t drink and drive and we won’t make you listen to it.”

The Constable over there clarified that he was just trying to use a little “humour” to discuss the very real issue of drunk driving. Because Canadians are too nice, he added that he likes some Nickelback songs. Man, don’t oversell it.

This article also reminded us that Nickelback knows how much we, the people who can hear shit, rag on them. In 2014, Chad told The Canadian Press

I don’t think that all the haters and the critics know how many favours that they’ve done for us. Because otherwise we would just be this just whatever band.

Well I don’t think Chad realizes how good he is at insulting himself.

Many crimes are obviously really cool (cat burgling, Hollywood madaming, and possessing dangerous levels of glamour being chief among them). Drinking and driving is not. Like Nickelback! And drunk driving is weirdly common despite feeling like you definitely don’t know anyone who does it. Like listening to Nickelback! And like listening to Nickelback, sure, there are worse things you could do, but STILL. Just because you could does not mean you should. Masterfully done, Canada.

Allison, our resident Canadian, is on vacation this week, so Allison if you’re reading this: GIRL, BE CAREFUL. THEY PLAY NICKELBACK AT YOU FOR CRIMES NOW. Well, I’ve done my due diligence.

Pic: Instagram

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