The Tennessee Wildfires Came Dangerously Close To Burning Up Dollywood

November 29, 2016 / Posted by:

2016 has been nothing but a chunky diarrhea tsunami of shitty news, and it really hasn’t let up during the past 24 hours. There was the attack at Ohio State University, the plane crash in Colombia and the massive Tennessee wildfires that have eaten dozens of homes and businesses. And as all of that is going on, the un-drainable thrombosed hemorrhoid that us Americans will soon call our overlord has pretty much suggested that we rip up the Constitution by jailing or revoking the citizenship of anyone who burns the American flag. But back to the threat of another American institution….

NBC News says that authorities believe that arson is to blame for the wildfires that have burned through the Great Smoky Mountains and has destroyed many homes and has caused thousands of people to evacuate. The fires burned through the night and fucked with the towns of Gatlinburg and Pigeon Forge, where the Tennessee epicenter of glamour and fun known as Dollywood is located. CNN reports that officials believe that, thankfully, the worst is over.

The Dollywood theme park wasn’t  touched by that cunt fire, but flames did come really close to it. The fires burned along the edge of Dollywood and just when they were about to jump over, Dolly Parton herself appeared in a cloud of rhinestone dust and hairspray, and since she’s 100% flammable, she risked being burned up when she told that bitch ass fire to get out of there, which it did. (That scene only happened in my imagination.)

A rep for Dollywood tells WBIR that firefighters were able to protect the park itself, but several cabins went up. The eagles that live inside of Dollywood are also safe.

“Good news and a little bit of bad news for us, ” Dollywood spokesperson Pete Owens said Tuesday morning.

Several of Dollywood’s cabins were either damaged or destroyed by the fire, but the full extent isn’t known just quite yet.

Owens said they haven’t been able to reach some of the cabins further in the county.

On Monday night, Dollywood had evacuated 19 occupied cabins and evacuated guests from 50 rooms in Dollywood’s DreamMore Resort.

Visiting Dollywood is a memory I won’t ever forget and I think it made me 200 times gayer, which is always a good thing. So I’m sending good thoughts to Pigeon Forge. I’m also sending good thoughts to Gatlinburg, which holds a special place in my busted heart. The area we were staying at was dry, so we had to go to Gatlinburg to buy booze. It was the only town nearby where you could buy the sweet nectar in a store. It’s a special place!

And strangely enough, a couple of days ago, Dolly released this PSA about wildfires:

Good fucking luck to the evil doer (or doers) responsible for that fire, because Dolly and Smokey are coming for them.

Pic: Getty

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