Because everyone who fucks around with this family is kontractually obligated to go by their first AIM screen name, today’s installment of Keeping Up with the Konstant Kraziness will be starring Blac Chyna, her mother Tokyo Toni, and the lord of unsellable socks himself, Rob Kardashian.
Despite everyone in the world coming together in harmony to let E! know that we do not want this, and no really we’re good, Ryan Seacrest’s evil lab still made E!’s Rob & Chyna Baby Special. If you watched the “special” then you may recall one tiny, seemingly insignificant moment (“You’ll have to be more specific” -everyone who watched) when Rob starts having some relaxing girl talk with Little Lord Disick and calls Toni a “loose cannon.” Rob sure as hell is not the first man to say something judgmental about his future (we’ll see!) mother-in-law, but probably doing it on camera for a show that’s not giving Tokyo Toni Tony Tone a paycheck was a bad move.
Chyna’s mom went OFF on Instagram yesterday. Just like gender and sexuality, the Kardashian Klan exists on a spectrum. At the one end there’s Kylie who gets watered twice a week and scooted into partial shade when her extensions start to brown. On the other end is Kanye West, and that’s almost unfair because like Geena Davis he is in a league of his own. I’m glad to see Chyna and Toni fall closer to the Kanye end of things because if they must be in my brain-space then I’d at least like to be entertained.
The whole thing is real long so here are some highlights via Daily Mail [sic throughout]:
A Lose Canon? … No your entire family are lose canons boy! Think about it!
I know I’m being very Frasier Crane about two very commonly misspelled words, but lose canon? No one even attempt to correct this woman’s spelling or grammar, that shit was not a mistake! As Toni herself says: think about it! She continues:
Y’all family now honey! So now I can focus on my life! Real life situations you wouldn’t know shit about!!!
Of course Rob doesn’t know about real life! He’s never actually had one. So yeah, I can imagine that Toni doesn’t feel a deep spiritual connection to Rob and the rest of the Kalabasas Krew because she’s busy being an adult with real world responsibilities. As she says in her post, she works with the homeless, which is basically as far away from Kardashian behavior and mindsets as one can get. So it will surprise no one that Toni and Pimp Mama Kris have already been rumored to have some tensions simmering between them.
Before ending this shit by making a call to shut up and donate to a good cause, Toni kicks it into full-on NAH, NONE OF IT territory by calling out the behind-the-scenes reality tv bullshit.
To be talked about like this for ratings! WHERE THE FUCK IS MY CHECK
Uh-oh. Pump the brakes, girl! We’ll see where this battle of totally relatable people and problems leads us next, but in the meantime I’d advise Tokyo Toni the Tiger to lawyer up real quick because “WHERE THE FUCK IS MY CHECK” is held in an iron copyright by one Kris Jenner.
Here’s Tokyo Toni’s whole reading of Rob: