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November 18, 2016 / Posted by:

Burple!

Burple sounds like an Urban Dictionary phrase for the burp you make after sucking a peen slathered in grape-flavored lube (it also sounds like a cutesy name for Grimace’s butt burps), but for about four seconds in the 1980s, Burple was the name of a seriously convenient and sugary fruit drink that was supposed to smash the Kool Aid Man’s pitcher body into a billion pieces. It didn’t.

Burple was a fruit-flavored drink powder that came in an accordion bottle that would stretch out to full size so that you could add water and shake, shake, shake into a diabetes-inducing refreshment.  You could get that mess in lunchbox size or giant size and five flavors were available: strawberry, cherry, peach, grape and orange. Retroland says that Burple landed on shelves in the late-80s and was only around for a couple of years before it left our lives FOREVER. I’m not sure if I ever drank a Burple, but I did have an accordion bottle that I kept water in and it was such a technological wonder to me. I used it to so much that the accordion part eventually cracked and filled my backpack with water during class. So when I walked home from school, it looked like my backpack was pissing. But I digress…

Here’s the commercial for Burple, the drink that was way ahead of its time.

Burple really needs to try to make a comeback, only this time they should forget the kids. They should market toward us drunk messes. Burple would make the perfect portable mixer. All you have to do is add a lot of vodka and a splash of water and shake your way to liver-damaging fun!

Pic: Veggie Macabre  (For Paul L.)

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