Charlie Sheen has released a statement about the very messy and sad situation that his ex-wife Brooke Mueller and their 7-year-old twin sons found themselves in this week in Salt Lake City, Utah. And in true “Charlie Sheen always makes it messier” fashion, his statement comes in the form of a nonsense poem released exclusively to People magazine.
Yesterday we learned that Brooke Mueller was hospitalized for a mental health evaluation after she allegedly hit her twin sons Bob and Max outside of a car wash and got into a barefoot fight with her nanny at a bar. Brooke and Charlie’s boys are now with a family member. If you were hoping for an update on the situation, don’t look to Charlie’s poem-statement to give you any hints. Actually, don’t look to it for anything besides a whole lot of words that sound like the mutterings of someone who drank a lot of cold medicine.
“In the face of a roughshod and polar moment of unsanctioned divide
sanity and certainty were restored with grace and resolve.
Immeasurable gratitude and love
to a fellow yeoman of the apocalypse;
Sir Michael from that hamlet called Walters
need accept each and every Crimson palm-sting
as high fives rain upon his bitchen nobility
not just from this traveler
but from his safe and stable brood as well…”
I took a poetry class in college, so I know a little bit about metre and all that. But I honestly have no idea how to classify Charlie’s poem. It’s like iambic cracktameter or something. I literally have no idea what Charlie Sheen is trying to say. Maybe that’s a good thing, actually. It would be more alarming if Charlie Sheen wrote a poem that made sense. Charlie’s poem doesn’t have a title, so let’s call it This Isn’t Helping. The only way this poem is helping anything is by reassuring the police that they made the right decision by placing Bob and Max with family members who aren’t Charlie Sheen.