The good news is that People didn’t name the singed ingrown chode hair their Sexiest Man Alive, which is a little surprising since their tongue tips were stuck in his anus hole last week. The better news is that People did give the title to the puppy-saving pillar of pure muscle known as The Rock! “Whatever, you don’t need a publicist to buy you that title, you sexy, sexiest man alive, you,” cooed out The Rock’s nemesis (after a closed sign on a gym, of course) Vin Diesel while looking into and flexing at the bedroom mirror that’s been done up like a People Sexiest Man Alive cover.
44-year-old The Rock is the first non-white guy since Denzel Washington (in 1996) to get the Sexiest Man Alive sash, crown and scepter. Last year, People took us back to 2005 when they gave the title to David Beckham. People’s cover says that they chose The Rock, because he’s “sweet, smart and sculpted” (which sounds like the description for a chocolate Easter bunny in glasses). What they really mean is that The Rock won the title after his PR team beat everyone else’s PR team in a mud wrestling match in People’s break room. The Rock better give his PR team a fat 5,000 calorie bonus for helping to push his new movie, Disney’s Moana, which coincidentally comes out next week.
Like Taylor Swift at any awards show, The Rock acted like he was really shocked and surprised about getting the title.
“I said, ‘That’s awesome.’ And then what went through my mind was just how cool and exciting it is,” Johnson tells PEOPLE in this week’s cover story. “And then I thought, ‘Wow, we’ve pretty much reached the pinnacle.’ I’m not quite too sure where we go from here. I’ve done it all, this is it.”
Every year, I say a prayer for either Idris Elba, Carrot Top, Richard Simmons or Prince Hot Ginge to get the cover, but I’m for this. But something I’m not for is that boring, tingle-blocking cover. The Rock probably does ab crunches in his sleep and lifts weights while sitting on the toilet, and so People is every kind of wrong for covering up the body he works 24-hours a day to get. That’s like putting Jon Hamm on the cover and not asking him to wear an extra tight, wet white Speedo. What is the point? If People insisted on covering up The Rock’s muscled-up hotness, they should’ve made him wear this visual aphrodisiac:
Now THAT is a hot picture that can cause a billion clit and prostate seizures. Missed opportunity (as usual), People!
And here’s The Rock at last night’s Hollywood premiere of Moana.