News That’ll Make Your Chonies Rip Right Off: New Kids, Paula Abdul And Boyz II Men Are Going On Tour Together

November 15, 2016 / Posted by:

Us old whores better double up on our blood pressure medication, because this news may cause a vessel to burst.

Eight years ago, grown women and gays screamed chunks of their lungs out when New Kids on the Block announced that they were reuniting and going on tour. They’ve been touring ever since and because they still have mortgages to pay off, they’re doing another giant summer tour and this time they’re bringing Paula Abdul and Boyz II Men with them. My little gay self who stood in line at a damn Wherehouse Music to get Paula Abdul concert tickets and then got shut out is commanding my grown gay self to hit the X on this browser tab and immediately go on over to Ticketmaster dot fucking com.

They’re calling the tour the “Total Package” tour and it’ll be Paula’s first in 25 years. Old Daddies On The Block, Paula Abdul and Daddiez II Pepawz made the announcement on Today this morning. They’re starting on May 12, 2017 in Columbus, OH and will hit over 40 cities before ending on July 15, 2017 in Tampa, FL. That’s a lot of shows. They better get Centrum Silver as a sponsor. All of the dates are here.

Donnie Wahlberg released this statement about the tour that will make oldies burst from the 90s nostalgia of it all.

“Our fans know we love to bring them a party, and this tour is no exception. It’s not just a show, it’s an experience. Paula Abdul is such a pop icon and Boyz II Men are one of the best R&B acts of all time. It’s going to be a night of hit after hit, and we can’t wait to deliver the ‘Total Package’ to our fans!”

The “Total Package” tour sounds like the name for a speaking tour starring The Hammaconda and I’d rather see that, but I’ll take this too. If I can, I’ll be at one of those shows in British Knights, a B.U.M. Equipment shirt and pegged Guess jeans. I hope every date sells out, but if that doesn’t happen and the tour gets canceled, I hope they have cameras on Paula Abdul when she finds out so that we can get a sequel to her trying to tell a goddamn story.

The Bratz movie flopped hard, so it turns out that God is a mega Paula Abdul stan after all!

Pic: Instagram

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