Over a week ago, I posted the first official pictures from that ~problematic~ bestiality tale of a captured nerd girl who must’ve done a lot of hard drugs, because she talks to clocks and shit and wet dreams about covering her lips (and not the ones on her face) with the lipstick belonging to her captor, a mean dog beast. (Beauty and the Beast is like a clean version of every NSFW subreddit.) And today, Disney pooped out the first official trailer, and well, this thing makes those first official pictures look like they’re full of life and charisma. This trailer has a resting heart rate of zero and is as lackluster as this dry stale English Muffin I’m chewing on (I’m out of butter).
The story is the same as Disney’s cartoon version of Beauty and the Beast, but in the live-action one, it looks like Belle is also an inanimate object and The Beast is an animatronic creature with a dying battery, because lord, the acting! Those CGI household objects are giving off more human-like emotions than Belle and The Beast. I don’t know why Lumiere and the others think that Belle is the one who will break the spell. It’s obvious that Belle is just a wooden post in a wig. She’s one of them!
And I’d throw holy water at any one of those objects if they hopped up to me in a darkened castle hallway, but what Disney did to Mrs. Potts and Chip is truly illegal. Look at Chip! Bitch looks like Jonathan Cheban. They did that little porcelain trick wrong.
Belle is in dire need of human friends and a good therapist. I mean, how can she fall in love with a horned dog beast that looks like the Dracula wolf who raped Lucy Westenra in the garden in Bram Stoker’s Dracula? And Belle fucking The Beast is probably how the Wonder Whims came to be.
With that being said, I’ll probably see it on opening day in March because of two reasons: 1. I want to see Luke Evans (Gaston) in a chest merkin. 2. I’ll be living in a movie theater full-time by then, because I’m going to need to mentally “escape” daily to get through the next four years.
And here’s Luke bringing the panty cream-inducing hotness in a tux at the GQ Men of the Year Awards in Berlin last week.