With 2016 being a never-ending violent diarrhea night terror, we all should’ve know it was saving this Defcon fuckery for its grand finale. (Although, we’ve still got around 2 months of this piece of trash year left…) Oh, 2016, you’re so cliché in your terribleness. I hit the snooze button so much this morning on my iPhone that I’m surprised Siri didn’t get pissed and scream, “Bitch, I’m sick of you poking at me, so just stay in bed, you lazy ass.” Every time my alarm went off, I hit snooze, looked at Twitter to see if maybe an oops was made and Jabba the Trump lost, and then I’d sigh and pull the sheets over my head again. But it’s real. And while the stocks dropped (for a minute) like my stomach when it was announced that Florida committed the ultimate act of Florida foolery by giving it to Trump, the makers of Xanax and Valium are probably going to have the best quarter ever. Congratulations to them!
Hillary Clinton may have won the popular vote, but Trump got that electoral shit and that’s what counts. President Obama already congratulated Trump and invited him to the White House (cut to Michelle Obama putting plastic on her sofa so that he doesn’t stain it with Tang bronzer and fake tanner). Trump’s sweet Russian piece Vladimir Putin also blew him an air kiss of congratulations. Trump gave his victory speech early this morning and in a shocking turn of events, he didn’t take to the stage, pull down his pants, bend over, grab onto his ass cheeks and pull them back and forth while saying, “Eat this, losers and haters!”
Next to Trump was his and Future First Lady Melania’s son Barron Trump (who made the same face I made most of the night) and Mike Pence. As Trump welcomed the Trumpocalypse, Mike Pence warmly thought about all the gay conversion camps and prisons for women who have an abortion he’ll build. The only thing I ask is when I’m sent to a gay conversion camp, can I please be assigned a bunk with Anderson Cooper?!
And last night, so many people thought about joining Bryan Cranston in quitting this bitch that Canada’s immigration website crashed. I admit that I did type the words, “How easy is it for an American trick to move to Amsterdam?”, into Google, but no. California legalized the recreational use of the good shit, so there’s that to look forward to. I only have to renew my weed card one more time. You won’t be able to buy until January 2018, but you can smoke the good shit now, so I’m going to gather up a group to help me put a giant tarp over the state of California so that we can all just hot box through the next 4 years.