Prince Hot Ginge Defends His Girlfriend Meghan Markle’s Honor Against The Tabloids And Racist Trolls

As Duchess Kate sat in her royal hair brushing salon (yes, she has one of those) at Kensington Palace this morning, she started to do the usual 100 brushes she does every day and when she got to 8, the rage inside of her boiled over and she slammed down her silver princess brush before screaming so loud that Prince George awoke from his deep slumber, sat up and thought, “Err, isn’t screaming my thing?” Duchess Kate knows she married the wrong British prince, because Prince William’s weak ass never defended her like this. She’s so going to switch Prince William’s hair growing vitamins with laxatives.

A quick second after everyone heard the rumor that Prince Hot Ginge betrayed my loyal heart (it’s okay, I still have my DIY Prince Hot Ginge Pillow Person) by getting serious with Rachel from Suits (government name: Rachel Meghan Markle), the tabloids got to work. The paparazzi stalked Meghan’s mom, The Sun allegedly got an interview with her half-sister (who called her a superficial fame whore), they got all Ancestry.com by writing about her ancestors and The Daily Mail shit out this wreck of a headline: Harry’s girl is (almost) straight outta Compton: Gang-scarred home of her mother revealed.

Since the rumor came out over a week ago, Meghan and the royals haven’t said anything, but Prince Hot Ginge had enough and this morning, he lifted his royal shield of honor to try to block the shit balls that the media and trolls are throwing at his lady love. The dusty DOS machine that operates my emotions is shaking and spitting out smoke, because it doesn’t know whether to swoon myself inside/out over PHG romantically defending his girlfriend or spit out rays of jealousy at Meghan over PHG romantically  defending her.

Kensington Palace’s official Twitter account released a statement today (and you know it’s official because it came on official royal stationary) that not only confirmed that PHG’s imperial ginger peen rod is tapping against Meghan Markle, but the royal family also shit on the tabloids and asked them to stop being gross. This kind of statement is pretty unheard of, so PHG must really have it hard for Future Princess Meghan.

The statement started out with how PHG knows he was born into a rich famous bitch life and is fully aware of what comes with that…

Since he was young, Prince Harry has been very aware of the warmth that has been extended to him by members of the public. He feels lucky to have so many people supporting him and knows what a fortunate and privileged life he leads.

He is also aware that there is significant curiosity about his private life. He has never been comfortable with this, but he has tried to develop a thick skin about the level of media interest that comes with it. He has rarely taken formal action on the very regular publication of fictional stories that are written about him and he has worked hard to develop a professional relationship with the media, focused on his work and the issues he cares about.

While reading that, I kept waiting for a giant BUT to hit my eyes and it did.

But the past week has seen a line crossed. His girlfriend, Meghan Markle, has been subject to a wave of abuse and harassment. Some of this has been very public – the smear on the front page of a national newspaper; the racial undertones of comment pieces; and the outright sexism and racism of social media trolls and web article comments. Some of it has been hidden from the public – the nightly legal battles to keep defamatory stories out of papers; her mother having to struggle past photographers in order to get to her front door; the attempts of reporters and photographers to gain illegal entry to her home and the calls to police that followed; the substantial bribes offered by papers to her ex-boyfriend; the bombardment of nearly every friend, co-worker, and loved one in her life.

And this is the part where PHG basically sang “I am a man who will fight for your hoooon-or” in front of Meghan’s house.

Prince Harry is worried about Ms. Markle’s safety and is deeply disappointed that he has not been able to protect her. It is not right that a few months into a relationship with him that Ms. Markle should be subjected to such a storm. He knows commentators will say this is ‘the price she has to pay’ and that ‘this is all part of the game’. He strongly disagrees. This is not a game – it is her life and his.

He has asked for this statement to be issued in the hopes that those in the press who have been driving this story can pause and reflect before any further damage is done. He knows that it is unusual to issue a statement like this, but hopes that fair-minded people will understand why he has felt it necessary to speak publicly.

So, is that strong warning of words going to stop The Daily Mail and the other British tabloids? Well, they’ll probably stop for about 15 seconds while they cackle at the line “can pause and reflect.”

THE QUEEN should invite the editors of the British tabloids over for some tea, and as soon as they all sit down, she should pull out her shiv from her pocketbook (you know she keeps one in there), hand her purse to her most trustworthy Corgi and challenge those tricks to a knife fight. It’d be impossible for them to write another messy story about Future Princess Meghan when their hands can’t stop shaking with fear!

And the first time THE QUEEN has Meghan over for dinner, Prince Hot Ginge is probably going to have to put duct tape over Prince Philip’s mouth.

Pics: Wenn.com