It’s been a little over three days since the Super Bowl of CANDY (aka Halloween) happened, and I’m sure that the candy stashes of many kids are filled with nothing but toothpaste, wrapped apple slices, candy corn, Tootsie Rolls and Bit-O-Honeys, because all of the good stuff has already ended up in their stomachs (which is where it’ll stay for the next 5 years since that shit don’t digest). But not Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen’s kids. We already know that Tom and Gizzy’s diet is so strict that macrobiotic birds look at them and go, “Live a little, bitches.” They don’t really eat any white sugar or white flour or fruit. Their children, 6-year-old Ben and 3-year-old Vivian eat the same way, pretty much. So after they all went trick-or-treating, Gisele let her kids eat one piece of candy and they spit it out like they were Tom Brady and that candy was a strawberry.
At the grand opening of the Under Armour Boston Brand House in the Prudential Center, Gis told People that her kids are so not into candy and they asked her to give their Halloween bundle away.
“We don’t really have that a kind of sugar in our house. I let them try one (piece), but they really only had one bite and then they didn’t want it anymore. So I told them if they didn’t like it I was going to give it away to other kids and they actually let me give their candy away. It’s a little different kind of sweets, so they’re not used to it. I said to them, ‘You know, there are so many kids that don’t get candy and you guys got so many, some kids don’t even get one! And they’re like, ‘Oh mom, okay you can give it to them if they don’t get any.’ “
Oh, to be a 1% fly on a Monet at a children’s birthday party where both Gisele and Goopy Paltrow are at.
*while watching Moses Martin nibble on a Snickers*
Gis: Oh Gwynnie, how I envy you. You are so lucky. I can never get my children to eat processed corn syrup and chemical bars. I have tried, but they spit it out and beg me to get them a bowl of organic almond milk and vanilla chia pudding with slivers of heirloom raw cacao sprinkled on top. We gave all their Halloween candy away to needy processed sugar lovers.
Goopy: Oh sweet, little Gisele Caroline, Moses isn’t eating that Snickers because he likes it. I make him eat a little bit of it so he knows what it’s like to eat like the less fortunate. I want him to be well-rounded like that. Moses, darling, come forth to mummy. (mumbles under her breath) Give that Snickers to me, Moses. Stop crying, child, and give it to me. That smug bitch Gisele is watching. I’ll give it back to you in the car, okay?!
I’ve said this before, but my mom only let us have candy and cake on special occasions, so we were always hard up for it. If we wanted a sweet fix, we had to go all Sylvester Stallone in Cliffhanger and climb the refrigerator to the upper cabinet where the bag of sugar was. We’d snort it and mainline it. So, oh how I wish I had friends like the Brady kids when I was little. Kids who trick-or-treat but don’t like candy = dream friends. They could’ve given me all of their candy. I would’ve had my own candy-collecting army!