Steven Seagal Is A Russian Citizen Now

November 3, 2016 / Posted by:

Russia, hide yo puppies (and your pussies), because Steven Seagal is one of you now.

NPR says that Steven Seagal, who is looking more and more like a nutsack with a Sharpie goatee drawn on it, is now a citizen of Russia and it’s all thanks to his sweet Russian boo Vladimir Putin. Steven has dreamed of becoming a Russian and today, Vladimir Putin made that dream come true by farting up a presidential degree that grants him citizenship. Putin has man-crushed on Steven for a while, and in 2013, Steven used their bro-mance to “open doors” for six U.S. Congressional members who wanted to visit Russia to learn more about the Boston Marathon bombing. Putin also wanted to make his Aikido-kicking American sweetheart an honorary consul, so that Steven could work as a go-between him and President Obama. In other words, Putin has a real leaky boner for Steven Seagal.

When Putin gave the toilet baby of Fat Bastard and Eddie Munster the gift of Russian citizenship today, I’d like to think that he did it while on one knee as a singer sang I Swear in Russian. A spokesman for the Kremlin released this statement about Steven Seagal becoming one of their fellow countrymen.

“This [was his] desire, he had really applied. He had been really persistent for a long time and been asking to grant him citizenship, he is actually renown for his quite warm feelings toward our country.”

Steven says he plans to live in Russia for a few months out of the year. Donald Trump better head over to his nearest mini-mall martial arts academy and learn some moves, because Steven Seagal is stealing his Russian man.

And Hollywood had a good run as the movie star capital of the world, but that title belongs to Russia now that they’ve got Steven Seagal, Gerard Depardieu and (maybe) Lindsay Lohan!


Our commenting rules are pretty simple: If you make any overly offensive comment (racist, bigoted, etc..) or go way off topic when not in an Open Post, your comments will be deleted and you will be banned. If you see an offensive or spammy comment you think should be deleted, flag it for the mods and they'll be forever grateful and give you their first born (although, you probably don't want that).

alt="drupal analytics" >