Halloween isn’t only the one day of the year when I get in my car and drive through the neighborhood, looking to find a lazy person who just left a bowl of candies out for the kids, so that I can steal it and run off. It’s also the one day of the year when hundreds of sites declare that Heidi Klum Has Won Halloween Yet Again! Heidi Klum won last year when she did herself up like a Julie Masking version of Jessica Rabbit. Heidi won in 2014 when she did herself up as The Fly if The Fly was directed by Lisa Frank. And she won in 2013 when she did herself up as an Upper East Side abuelita. So last night, every blogger probably had their “Heidi Klum Got Another Gold Medal In Halloween-ing!” headlines ready to go, because Heidi Klum never really disappoints. But some were left confused and scared about the future of everything when she showed up to her annual Halloween party in NYC as herself. Heidi Klum came as Heidi Klum in one of Jennifer Lopez’s ugliest leotards, and was surrounded by a bunch of Klum klones. This is the part where we all wake up our inner Tyra Banks and scream at Heidi: “Do you know that all of America was rooting for you and then you come in here treating this like it’s a joke?! I was rooting for you! WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU! How dare you!”
Before last night, Heidi teased that this year her costume was made in Germany, and so I was hoping that she was going to go as the chola brow’d jewel of Germany, Harald Glööckler. But she meant herself. Heidi’s klones spent hours getting prosthetics to look like her, and they still don’t really look like her. They look as much like Heidi Klum as Katy Perry looked like Hillary Clinton. The one directly on Heidi’s left looks like the eyebrow-less face of a young Barbra Streisand on Gisele Bundchen’s body. The one directly on Heidi’s right looks like a factory-defected Westworld robot inspired by Marisa Miller. The one at the end, who’s staring at the camera, looks like a morph of Sonja Morgan and an Olsen. And the rest look like they were thrown together with scraps from Melania Trump, Jocelyn Wildenstein and Carmen Electra Real Dolls.
Auf wiedersehen to all of them!
But you know, maybe this isn’t so much a Halloween costume for Heidi…. Maybe it’s more like a dry run for an experiment. Heidi pretty much goes to every damn awards show. If an award is being given out, Heidi will be there. (“So that’s why Heidi popped up in the break room at my job when my boss named me Employee of the Month.” – you) So maybe Heidi cloned herself so that she can really go to every awards show, and go to six at the same time. Yeah, I’m going with that.