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October 27, 2016 / Posted by:

Puan, the new Guinness World Record title holder for being the oldest living Sumatran orangutan in the world, and she could give a shit about that.

ABC says that Puan’s kind doesn’t usually live past the age of 50, but she’s made it all the way to 60 years, which got her a Guinness World Record. Puan lives at the Perth Zoo in Western Australia, and the staff there said that it took them a quick second to figure out her age, because every time they asked her, “How old are you?“, she slapped their face with a “Fuck you and skedaddle out of my sight” look.

The staff at the zoo eventually came to the conclusion that Puan was born in 1956. The Sultan Johore of Malaysia gave Puan to the Perth Zoo as a gift in 1968. Since then, Puan’s poon has popped out 11 children. She’s also got grandkids and great-grandkids.

Martina Hart, the primate keeper at Perth Zoo, says that health-wise, Puan’s got some arthritis, but otherwise she’s good. And personality-wise, Puan’s got what many of us hope to get at her age: chronic grumpybitchitis. Puan knows she’s the Queen of the Primates at Perth Zoo and bitches better bow down to her. Martina said:

“Puan’s a difficult one. She gets a bit impatient, she stamps her foot when she wants something quickly. She demands a lot of respect. She deserves a lot of respect, she’s not someone who’ll show you outwardly that she’s particularly interested in you.”

What’s really missing from this story is a report a local news station. My life would extend by at least a couple of years from watching Puan slowly chew on an apple and keep her facial expression set to “I don’t give a damn” after a reporter asks her what her secret to living such a long life is. Puan is the Flossie Dickey of Sumatran orangutans. She deserves ALL the respect, though, and not only because she’s older than old, but also because she can work the hell out of a Carol Burnett bob.

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Pics: ABC.net.au 

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