It’s been a little over three years since it was first rumored that Katie Holmes was exfoliating the Scientology-caught crazy off of her face by motorboating Jamie Foxx’s succulent calzone man tits. Since then, they’ve been photographed holding hands, the tabloids said that they got married a million times, it was rumored that Jamie filled Katie’s womb with a Foxx fetus and Claudia Jordan scratched her thirst spot by saying they were really happy together as a couple. That Scientology fighter drone that flew over Claudia Jordan’s house and pointed a space saber at her must’ve let her know to keep her lips shut, because she later took it all back. Jamie Foxx also repeatedly denied that he and Katie were a thing. And now it looks like we may never hear the sound of Tom Cruise’s anal glands exploding out of anger after a wedding picture of Katie, Jamie and flower girl Suri Cruise comes out. Because Radar says that both Katie and Jamie are currently singing, “Secret looooooooooooovers, that’s what we’re NOT.”
America’s second largest beacon of journalistic integrity (after The National Enquirer, of course) heard from a source who claims that Katie wanted Jamie to join her in screaming about their love from a People magazine cover. But Jamie wanted to keep things on the down-low and wasn’t ready to come out as a couple. Jamie basically told Katie the same thing that many past boyfriends have said to me: “I promise, in a few months, I’ll go out with you in public and you won’t have to come over my house late at night with a Nixon mask over your head so none of my neighbors know I’m doing you.”
“Jamie is tired of being pressured by Katie into going public. He’s asked for a few months out and made no promise he’ll be available after that. It’s heartbreaking for Katie, who would marry him in a heartbeat if he were keen. She’s hoping he’ll change his mind and come running back, which to be fair he’s done numerous times before.”
Radar also said last month that when Katie quickie divorced Tom, she wanted out fast so she agreed to a clause that keeps her from dating anyone publicly. That clause supposedly expires in 2017. So Radar is contradicting themselves by saying that Katie wants to go public with Jamie before that supposed clause expires.
Who knows the truth about FoxHol? It could’ve been a fairy tale ass queefed up by the tabloids. It could’ve been a real thing and now it’s not. It could be a real thing and they leaked this latest story to throw everyone off their trail. Or it could’ve been a relationship for publicity (like Katie’s last marriage). And on that note, I need to do 10 minutes of quick exercise while popping some Centrium Silver, because I want to make sure that I live long enough to read the entire chapter about FoxHol in Suri’s tell-all titled Tommie Dearest.
Here’s Katie looking like a Walking Dead Carmen Sandiego while going through LAX last night. I can’t wait until one tabloid uses these pictures to say that Katie is looking extra sad because she just filed for secret divorce from her secret husband Jamie Foxx and will now raise their secret child by herself.
Pics: Getty, Splash