Before Brad Pitt became one half of the holiest couples since Jan Crouch and Krylon clear acrylic spray (only beauty amateurs use hairspray), he was good friends with Melissa Etheridge and as every Brangelina/Aniston historian knows, she sang at his wedding to Jennifer Aniston. When Brad got with Angelina Jolie, the power of Brangelina broke up a lot of his friendships including the one he had with Melissa. Melissa and Brad haven’t seen each other in 10 years, but that has never kept her from spitting out her thoughts about Devilina Holie! And yesterday, Melissa gave her thoughts on the fall of Brangelina during a talk with Andy Cohen on his SiriusXM show. The next time Melissa walks by a church’s stained glass window with a saint in it, she shouldn’t be surprised when that saint side-eyes and hisses at her, because she dragged St. Angie a bit.
Because Andy knew that Melissa would deliver a good headline, he asked her about the divorce between St. Angie and her old puff-and-pass partner (I’m guessing). Melissa pretty much said that she think it’s extra shitty how Angie and Angie’s Justice League of a divorce team is leaking lies to the media.
“It breaks my heart that anyone would take something as personal as your marriage and your relationship and your rights to your children and do it as purposefully as I see it’s being done. There’s a way to be. I’ve gone through family courts. I’ve been twice around this block, and I know it really well, and I know when there’s some forethought to just how mean [you can be] and just how you’re going to put disinformation out there first….. Nobody does that. You don’t do that.”
Even though Melissa’s friendship with Brad has been lying under a grave for more than 10 years, she says that the accusations that her old friend is a child abusing drunken ass wart are “completely unfounded” and “heartbreaking.” Melissa hopes that Brad reaches out to her.
I will never forgive Andy Cohen for the cancellation of Real Housewives of Miami (We, the people, need La Bruja!), but I will always appreciate him for being a masterful tea whisperer by getting his guests to spill out several boxes of Celestial Seasonings. As we all know, Laura Dern said before that while she was off making a movie, she found out that her live-in man Billy Bob Thornton had married Angie. Melissa said that black belt home wrecker Angie was really uncool to Laura. (Side note: Laura was also accused of getting with Ben Harper when he was still married):
“I was around when Angelina was not doing nice things with Billy Bob to Laura Dern. I went through that on a personal level, and then to know the side of Jennifer and Brad… I helped Laura move out of her house with Billy Bob. I like broke into their home to get her stuff out because it was so nasty. So nasty.”
This isn’t the first time that Melissa dragged St. Angie. When Angie had a double mastectomy to prevent getting breast cancer, Melissa, who is a breast cancer survivor, said it was a “fearful” and not really brave decision.
As Melissa said in the first quote I posted, she has been through a wreck of a custody fight before. Melissa and one of my favorite poets of all-time Tammy Lynn Michaels got into such a sloppy fight that it took me months to lose the scent of all the shit they threw at each other. Tammy Lynn had a blog back then and regularly called out Melissa (and Melissa’s wandering poon ways) in masterpiece poems like this one:
three weeks later a box of new toys
was delivered and her assistant brought
it to my rental house as a mistake
i opened it
and that’s when i felt something was up
i called her
“i have your new dicks on my kitchen counter?”
Hmmm… I have a feeling that Angie is going to ask Tammy Lynn to join her all-star divorce team as a staff poet. I can’t wait for Tammy Lynn to write a poem about the day Angie found out that Brad was smoking the good shit again. “Three weeks later a box of new bongs...” is how I suspect it’ll begin.