As every trick on earth knows since it was CNN BREAKING NEWS, Kim Kardashian was held at gunpoint by masked men pretending to be cops early this morning in Paris. Kim and several members of the Koven are now in NYC with Kanye West as a gang of Joanne the Scammer’s proteges try to sell millions of dollars worth of jewelry on the black market and also feel their eyeballs go numb as they swipe through 5,000 selfies on one of the phones they stole from Kim (and those 5,000 selfies were from yesterday alone). More details about The Krown Jewel Kaper have spilled out including how the thieves got away with $10 million in jewelry. Their loot may have included that gigantic diamond ring that’s almost bigger than one of Kim’s ass cheeks.
Page Six says that the robbery went down at the Hotel de Pourtalès (aka the No Address Hotel), where Kanye has owned an apartment for years. Kim usually stays there when she’s in Paris. One former guest of the No Address Hotel tells People that the hotel barely has any security. There’s a receptionist who buzzes you in and a nightman. That’s it. Kim was in her apartment by herself and was FaceTiming with Rob Kartrashian and Blac Chyna who were back in California at their baby shower. Kim’s bodyguard Pascal Duvier was out guarding The Slow One and Kendull Jenner who were at a club.
According to E! News, the French Interior Ministry says that at around 2:30 in the morning, five gunmen threatened the hotel’s concierge with some kind of weapon, handcuffed him and forced him to open up Kim’s apartment. A source claims that once they got inside, two of the armed dudes wrapped Kim’s mouth with tape, bound her hands and feet and put her in the bathtub. They stole a ring that’s supposedly worth $4.49 million and a box with $5.6 million worth of other jewels in it. They also snatched Kim’s purse, 1,000 in Euros and two cell phones. Kim reportedly begged for her life as they held a gun to her temple.
“She begged for them to let her live and [said] she has babies at home. Then they wrapped her mouth in tape and put her in the bathtub. She thought they were for sure going to kill her.”
The thieves got away on bikes and haven’t been caught.
One of E!’s sources (cut to all of us shaking our heads like, “Okay, Pimp Mama Kris, whatever you want to call yourself.“) says that Kim somehow “broke out of her bindings and got out.” Kim gave her statement to la policé and left her hotel with a police escort. Kim, Pimp Mama Kris, Kendall and The Slow One immediately got on a private jet and got out of France.
The Daily Mail obviously took a crash course in investigative shit from Detective La Toya, because they believe they have gotten down to the bottom of EVERYTHING. They think that Kim may have been hit up by the Pink Panther Gang. Even though the Pink Panther Gang sounds like what Taylor Swift and her squad would call themselves if they were a team of robbers, Kim’s arch rival Taylor was not involved (or was she?). The Pink Panthers is a gang of super-criminals from Serbia and Montenegro who have busted out intricately planned heists in Cannes, Tokyo, Singapore and Dubai. The Daily Mail added that whoever robbed Kim probably knew how much jewelry she had on her since she’s always flaunting her opulent goods on social media.
The robbers may have found the one time in history when Kim was by herself and not surrounded by a team of people. Where was the kamera krew from E!? Where was the night-shift makeup artist who touches her up as she sleeps so she’s always selfie-ready? And it may not be that hard for la policé to identity the thieves, because I am 100% sure that Kim’s personal surgeon installed Bluetooth cameras in her eyeballs so she can film every damn second of her life. Joke’s on you, Taylor in a mask, I mean, thieves!
And here’s Kim, Kanye and PMK in NYC this morning