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October 1, 2016 / Posted by:

The new and not-really-improved-but-much-much-creepier Teddy Ruxpin!

It’s been 31 years since the original Teddy Ruxpin made his debut, and reading that piece of info probably made you feel so old that a vine of white hairs grew out of your ear holes. It’s already happened to me twice this morning. I’ll wait here as you either take a machete to it or braid those white ear hairs before putting tiny, shiny beads at the end of them. But anyway, over the decades, the book-reading bear of your nightmares has come back a few times, and next summer, a toy company called Wicked Cool Toys will start selling a $99 Teddy Ruxpin for the future! If you had a Teddy Ruxpin in 1985 and you’re now a parent to a kid who wants the new Teddy Ruxpin, you’ll now know how your mom and dad felt as their souls wilted from watching a talking robot bear.

CNN Money says that the new Teddy Ruxpin doesn’t use a dusty relic from ancient times called “a cassette” to read stories. The stories are stored in his memory and the kid can follow along on their iPad using an app. He’s also got sensors on his hand and foot for a kid to touch if they’re bored with what Teddy is serving up and want him to move on to another story. And those eyes….. Teddy obviously called up my cousin and asked her which swap meet she got her totally natural blue contacts at. Teddy’s now got LCD eyes that display 40 different kinds of “expressions” as he reads.

The new Teddy Ruxpin was at the Dallas Toy Fair recently and the MommyandGraceShow got to see him in action. (Pro tip: DON’T LOOK DIRECTLY INTO HIS EYES OR YOUR SOUL WILL BELONG TO HIM!)

That’s a prototype, so I’m guessing that when it debuts next year, it’ll be totally 2017-ified. It’ll wear a waist-trainer and will also read a kid their Instagram and Twitter feeds and try to sell them Flat Tummy Tea. And if a bully fucks with Teddy’s kid, Teddy will hack into that bully’s accounts and blast their phone number all over Snapchat and Twitter.

And here’s the commercial for the OG TR:

“I really enjoy talking to people….” Okay, maybe the OG Teddy Ruxpin was scarier than the new one. I’m sure that there’s a few oldies out there who violently shake whenever they see a teddy bear, because they’re reminded of that terrifying night in the 1980s when they picked up their kid’s Teddy Ruxpin doll off of the floor and he said, “I really enjoy killing people…” Talking Tina taught him!

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