Jolene is a very lucky dog. She’s got the same name as a Dolly Parton song and she’s got a human who gave her the gift of dressing up like a giant version of her favorite toy. But then again, seeing a humongous version of her favorite toy could’ve traumatized her into needing doggy therapy for years. I know that if a humongous version of my favorite toy appeared before me, my ass would literally explode. No, I won’t tell you what my favorite toy is. You don’t need that image haunting your Halloween weekend.
Jolene’s favorite plush toy is Gumby and while chewing on it one day, her human walked into the room in Gumby drag. Jolene stopped, stared and wondered if she dropped acid earlier and forgot. Once Jolene realized she was still in real-life, her heart nearly combusted with happiness and she lost it. This video is my Prozac.
That video made my dead insides feel happiness for a second, but I am not going to try that at home. My dog’s current favorite toy is a blue elephant, and after he finishes chewing on it, he usually humps it and sometimes pisses on it. So if I dressed up as a giant blue elephant, it would ruin our relationship and just make things really weird. I’ll just stick to re-watching my new favorite buddy movie starring Jolene and Giant Gumby.
via Death and Taxes
Mel Gibson is out promoting Hacksaw Ridge, the first film he’s directed since 2006’s Apocalypto. 2006 was also the same year Mel was arrested in L.A. for going full-Mad Mel on a police officer who pulled him over for drunk driving. Ten years later, and there’s probably not many people who scratch their head and go “Hmmm…” when asked if they remember what Mel said the night of his DUI. Mel has since apologized a bunch of times for everything Drunk Mel said back in 2006, but he was recently asked about it again. Mel said two years ago that he was done apologizing, and he really meant it. Mel didn’t have another sorry in his pocket. Instead he made it clear that he’d really appreciate it if we all stopped bringing up the time he hated on the Jews.
By “shit,” I of course mean IMMENSE KNOWLEDGE. And yes, “Immense Knowledge” is the name of their weed strain of choice.
FKA Twigs is a lot of things. She’s a singer, a songwriter, a dancer, an artiste and Robert Pattinson’s promised one. And after reading her interview with ES Magazine, I learned that she either took the same Scientology homeschool classes as Willow and Jaden Smith or all of their brains were cut from the same hemp cloth. Because FKA Twigs gets deep. FKA Twigs may look like Fievel’s sister from An American Tail, but when she stares out into the vast night, she doesn’t sing Somewhere Out There, she reads the stars.
About a month after Miley Cyrus started scootin’ her hillbilly business on her ex-fiancé Liam Hemsworth again, she took the engagement ring he gave her out of its fancy box and started wearing it again. That “Why me?” face Miley made when she decided to re-debut her ring on Instagram might not have been because she was dressed like the eliminated look from the Strawberry Shortcake challenge on Project Runway.
NBC’s next live musical, Hairspray Live (starring Harvey Fierstein, Jennifer Hudson, Kristin Chenoweth, Ariana Grande Latte and Martin Short), hasn’t happened yet, but they have already announced their live musical for 2017. We already have the Bye Bye Birdie movie starring Ann-Margret and the 1995 TV movie starring Vanessa Williams (and Chynna Phillips!), but for some reason, NBC believes we need yet another version. In December 2017, NBC will cough up Bye Bye Birdie Live starring Jennifer Lopez. NBC probably thought, “Well, we can’t do any worse than Peter Pan, so fuckit, put JLo in Bye Bye Birdie.”
Yesterday, we were all hit with the tragic news that the classiest wedding the world has ever seen is not going to happen. The definition of true love suffered another kick to the asshole when the union between Mariah Carey (or “trophy in L’eggs“ as James Packer probably looked at her as) and James Packer (or “bottomless bag of money” as Mariah Carey probably looked at him as) sunk to the bottom of the Aegean Sea. They were apparently trying to work things out, but now the chances of them getting back together are as slim as the chances of Mimi posting an Instagram picture that hasn’t been ran through Photoshop four times and touched by a dozen filters.
Mimi’s side says that she dumped him for being a jealous crazy bitch who got violent on her assistant on a yacht in Greece. James’ side says that he dumped her for being a crazy spendthrift bitch who spent way too much of his money and may have cheated on him with a dancer. Today TMZ says that even though they’re done, Mimi still wants James to spend more of his money on her. Mimi had to take cash from her own mountain of money (GASP!) to be with him and she wants him to reimburse her for that and then some. Shame: Mimi has none and I love it.