Late last year, The Telegraph said that Tom Cruise was selling his estate near Scientology’s headquarters in England. That news made nearly everyone tape their windows up, because we knew that David Miscavige would holler out a glass-breaking scream if Scientology’s reigning Jesus quit that bitch. Little Lord Davey isn’t going to bruise his vocal cords from screaming over Tommy leaving anytime soon. Because at the London premiere of Jack Reach Around 2 last week, Scientology’s prince farted out nothing but sweet talk about his beautiful religion.
Andy Cohen Once Had A Threesome With A Married Straight Couple. Hmmmmm, I Wonder Who He’s Talking About….
Alternate headline: CLICK BAIT! CLICK BAIT! CLICK BAIT! CLICK BAIT!
The shifty don of the Housewives, Andy Cohen, is putting out his 46,789th memoir called Superficial: More Adventures from the Andy Cohen Diaries, in November and The Daily Mail got a few excerpts. Most of the excerpts come from the department of DUH, like Andy writes that before taping the reunion, all of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills turn their insides into a CVS pharmacy by downing a bunch of pills. Anybody with eyes that can see, ears that can hear and a sense of reason knows those bitches are pilled up to the ends of the earth. But Andy does write about how two years ago, he decided that he didn’t want to die without his dick kissing a chocha, so he had a threesome with a blonde woman and her muscular husband. SPOILER ALERT: It wasn’t Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos, or so Andy claims…
Whoever cut that trailer knows exactly what the Gilmore Girls audience wants: cake frosting ejaculation jokes! Thanks, Netflix.
Netflix’s 4-episode series Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life debuts on November 25th, and the first official trailer was released today. For people who have zero interest in a mother-daughter team who talk like they’ve been snorting coke and mainlining coffee all day, the trailer will feel like a two-and-a-half minute long commercial for American Girl’s new line of Barbie-style dolls called Wholesome Gals. But for the rest of us losers, it pretty much takes us right back to the Gilmore Girls we left behind. Both Lauren Graham and Alexis Bledel look the exact same. It must be all that speed-talking. It never gives the skin on their face a chance to settle.
Everyone makes an appearance. There’s Luke, Kirk, Paris, a giant painted tribute to the dearly departed Edward Hermann, Jess, Dean, the Gilmore Guys and the will-she-or-won’t-she-show-up of the new series Melissa McCarthy. I know we’re all supposed to be really excited that Melissa McCarthy is back, but her appearance was overshadowed by Sally Struthers and Liz Torres at the 1:56 mark. Fingers are crossed Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life will be a ratings hit that prompts Netflix to give us what we really want: a six-episode spin-off called Babette and Miss Patty: 24 Wild Hours.
And shout out to that joke about Tori Spelling’s hibachi grill incident at Benihana! I bet Tori Spelling is already on the phone with SAG-AFTRA to see if using her name in a joke can be classified as a paid acting gig.
Not to be outdone by the busted 70s ridiculousness that Amal Clooney wore the other day, Jessica Simpson started her Halloween celebrations early by stomping the streets of NYC yesterday while looking like a rejected extra from Madonna’s Deeper and Deeper video. If Charo got sick of being the perfect fashion icon that she is and wanted to show the people that she too fucks up sometimes, she’d wear this disaster. If Married to the Mob took place in the 70s and Lady Miss Kier did the costumes, this is something that Michelle Pfeiffer’s character would wear. Normally, I’d be all about that look, but on Jessica, it’s not working for me. As philosopher Patricia from Joe Versus the Volcano says, “That outfit’s wearing you, Felix.”
And that jacket looks like a pile of dead punk guinea pigs. If that fur jacket is real, Jessica better be careful. Because PETA may bring those dead creatures back to life with black magic and they’ll try to eat the fattened-up worms on her mouth.
On a positive note, New York’s Department of Sanitation thanks her for sweeping the streets for them.
It’s been more than a month since Angelina Jolie (or “That Fucking Lunatic” as she’s known in Chelsea Handler’s house) filed for divorce from Brad Pitt. And since then, Jennifer Aniston has been dragged into the conversation, of course. Two of those times were courtesy of Jennifer’s friends announcing to the world that we should keep her out of it. Another friend has come forward with their thoughts on it all. Sadly, it’s not Marcel the Monkey.
Every year, there’s a little OUTRAGE!!! when actors and actresses get moved into different categories to up their chances of getting nominated and winning an Oscar. Some screamed “FRAUD!” last Oscar season when Alicia Vikander, who was the lead actress The Danish Girl, was put in the Best Supporting Actress category. That trick worked because she won. The Playlist says that Paramount is using that same trick to hopefully put an Oscar statue in Viola Davis’ hand.