After dropping little hints, like doing the classic hand-over-bump pose at an event last week, Ciara has gone ahead and confirmed what everyone already assumed. That her husband of three months Russell Wilson had sprayed her reproductive goodies with his Jesus-loving sperm and made a baby with her. Ciara took a break from celebrating her 31st birthday last night to announce on Instagram that she was going to be a mom for the second time. That Lifetouch-looking pregnancy portrait you see above was accompanied by the following caption:
“On this special Birthday I received an abundance of love from friends and family…and I’m excited to Finally share one of the Greatest Gifts of All that God could give….👶🏽🍼💃🏽☺️❤️”
Russell Wilson posted the same picture but changed his caption to: “The Greatest Blessing of All. Forever Grateful. #BabyWilsonOnTheWay.” This will be 27-year-old Russell’s first kid. Ciara has a two-year-old son, Future Zahir, that she made with (and is currently caught in the middle of a messy lawsuit fight with) her ex-fiancé Future. Why do I get the feeling that Future’s baby shower gift to Russell will be a copy of What To Expect When Your Baby Mama Sues You and Tries To Get Sole Custody of Your Kid.
I’m a little surprised Ciara got knocked up with Russell’s baby so quickly. Ciara and Russell finally got to have sex a little over three months ago after being abstinent for a long-ass time. Russell’s sperm hadn’t been inside a lady for so long that I expected it was going to take at least six months of acting like easily-distracted tourists before one of them stopped sightseeing around Ciara’s business and made its way to the egg.
The performant artist tree who got arrested for blocking traffic in Portland, Maine!
Portland, Maine threw its hat of foolery into the ring for the title of the Florida of New England on Monday afternoon when police had to deal with the people screaming, “Leaf the poor sap alone!”, at them as they arrested a walking tree. WCHS6 (via Buzzfeed) brought us the important news of a 30-year-old dude in tree drag who held up cars at the intersection of Congress and High (“high” is right) Streets by walking real slow across the crosswalk. Trees can’t walk, but if they could, they’d probably walk real slow, so this crazy dude’s impersonation was spot-on. The police didn’t appreciate it, though, and they told him to get his fir-ey ass out of the street. At first he listened to them, but then he went all, “Hell no, tree won’t go,” when he went back to the crosswalk. So the cops handcuffed his branches (I’m guessing) and arrested him.
Hillary Rodham Clinton (69)
Morgan Saylor (22)
Sasha Cohen (32)
Toya Wright (33)
Jon Heder (39)
Seth MacFarlane (43)
Phaedra Parks (43)
Rosemarie DeWitt (45)
Anthony Rapp (45)
Keith Urban (49)
Steve Valentine (50)
Tom Cavanagh (53)
Natalie Merchant (53)
Cary Elwes (54)
Dylan McDermott (55)
Julie Dawn Cole (59)
Rita Wilson (60)
Neil Meron (61)
D.W. Moffett (62)
James Pickens, Jr. (62)
Bootsy Collins (65)
Julian Schnabel (65)
Pat Sajak (70)
Jaclyn Smith (71)
Shelley Morrison (80)
Take a styling tip from Nicole Kidman: When you’re on your way to the event and someone barfs on your right tit, just tape a tablecloth over the stain and work it, bitch! – Lainey Gossip
Don’t take a styling tip from Benedict Cumberbatch’s wife by wearing a hair salon cutting cape as a dress – Celebitchy
That’s Elle Macpherson?!!!! What kind of Photoshop witchery…. – Drunken Stepfather
Kim Zolciak even fills her ass dimples – Reality Tea
In almost every set of pictures of Katy Perry campaigning for Hillary Clinton at a college, you’ll find at least one nerd who is two seconds away from passing out over being so close to those TITS – The Superficial
Jack O’Connell is playing Alexander McQueen in a biopic – Towleroad
Charlize Theron is either annoyed by the paps or she’s annoyed that she, a millionaire movie star, has to buy her own damn milk – The Nip Slip
I thought Dakota Fanning’s career was going good, but I guess not, because it looks like she had to get a part-time job at a Japanese maid cafe – Popoholic
Two piece: Alessandra Ambrosio is in one – Hollywood Tuna
Don’t you just hate it when a Craigslist trick steals thousands of dollars from you after you eat their ass out? Kayta shares your pain – OMG Blog
In case you didn’t know that we’re all really fucking bored and have run out of shit to do with ourselves – SOW
Kate Beckinsale and Len Wiseman are making their split final by getting a divorce – HuffPo
Some nerds want Quentin Tarantino to direct Deadpool 2 – IDLYITW
It must’ve been a really slow pap day in Hawaii – Popsugar
Backdoor Farrah almost got fisted, and not in the way she’s used to, at the Teen Mom reunion – Starcasm
Glenn Close, Bette Midler and Patti LuPone are all going to be in Broadway musicals at the same time. I could slide on a rainbow all the way to NYC, because it’s a great time to be alive and gay! – Just Jared
Late last year, The Telegraph said that Tom Cruise was selling his estate near Scientology’s headquarters in England. That news made nearly everyone tape their windows up, because we knew that David Miscavige would holler out a glass-breaking scream if Scientology’s reigning Jesus quit that bitch. Little Lord Davey isn’t going to bruise his vocal cords from screaming over Tommy leaving anytime soon. Because at the London premiere of Jack Reach Around 2 last week, Scientology’s prince farted out nothing but sweet talk about his beautiful religion.
Andy Cohen Once Had A Threesome With A Married Straight Couple. Hmmmmm, I Wonder Who He’s Talking About….
Alternate headline: CLICK BAIT! CLICK BAIT! CLICK BAIT! CLICK BAIT!
The shifty don of the Housewives, Andy Cohen, is putting out his 46,789th memoir called Superficial: More Adventures from the Andy Cohen Diaries, in November and The Daily Mail got a few excerpts. Most of the excerpts come from the department of DUH, like Andy writes that before taping the reunion, all of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills turn their insides into a CVS pharmacy by downing a bunch of pills. Anybody with eyes that can see, ears that can hear and a sense of reason knows those bitches are pilled up to the ends of the earth. But Andy does write about how two years ago, he decided that he didn’t want to die without his dick kissing a chocha, so he had a threesome with a blonde woman and her muscular husband. SPOILER ALERT: It wasn’t Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos, or so Andy claims…