Jaden Smith is many things: actor, child of famous people, enlightened intergalactic space philosopher. But did you know he was also once a vampire? It’s true! Well, at least according to Jaden Smith. You know, I always pictured Jaden as more of a wise alien taking the form of a rich teenage earthling, but I was clearly wrong.
The other Amber Rose, Amber Rose Tamblyn, recently announced that she’s knocked up and her husband of four years David Cross is the father. As you can see from the picture above, Amber and David aren’t regular famous people, they’re cool famous people. So I would never expect them to announce they’re having a baby by posting a cheesy black and white picture on Instagram of David caressing Amber’s bump with both their eyes closed. That’s nowhere close to how they announced the news.
Off the top of my head, there’s two answers to the question, “How in the hell do you end up folded up like a Choco Taco in a freezer bin?” Answer 1 is: You just did bareback butt sex with Russell Brand and sat in there to stop the burning. Answer 2 is: YOU DRUNK. The second one is most likely the answer to how this British flower ended up ass-first in a freezer at a store.
Reddit (via Death and Taxes) posted a clip of a woman hollering for dear life as she risked getting frostbite of the b-hole. Oh, booze, one second it tells you to get some crisps at the store, and the next second it tells you that getting into a freezer bin is a really funny idea. As her friend tried to shush her up, the drunk mess screamed about how she doesn’t want to be known as the fat girl who dies in a freezer.
Sadly, the girl died in that freezer and her tombstone reads, “She will always be known as the fat girl who dies in a freezer…”
But seriously, she acts like being known as the “fat girl who dies in a freezer” is the worst thing ever. It’s not. If your drunk ass dies in a freezer, you won’t be alive to hear people making fun of you for it. Shitting in a freezer is worse! I mean, sometimes booze gives people the runs and if you got in that position… SPLAT! Suddenly those frozen peas have some gravy to go with them. And you wouldn’t be able to walk down the street without someone pointing at you and saying, “HA! HA! You’re the drunk who shit in a freezer.“
Shortly after Kim Kardashian was robbed at gunpoint in her apartment in Paris, sources were saying that Kim was blaming herself for being herself (aka shamelessly flaunting her jewels on social media). Whatever chemicals Khloe Kardashian has been injecting into her face must have seeped into her brain and ate the part responsible for making smart decisions, because last night she flaunted her jewels on Instagram. Slow-é strikes again!
Anybody who watched Bravo’s Flipping Out last season knows that Jeff Lewis and his partner Gage Edwards (or as Zoila, and now I, call him “Barbie Bitch”) were getting ready to add another human to their full house of neurotic madness. Jeff Lewis has always seemed as paternal as a male grizzly bear (male grizzly bears hate all children) to me, but he and Barbie Bitch seemed excited about raising a child together. And that child is now here. Last night, Jeff announced on Instagram that their surrogate gave birth to their first child, a girl. Sadly, Jeff and Barbie Bitch didn’t name their daughter Zoila Jenni (Z.J. for short).
I’m going to choose to believe that Jeff and Barbie Bitch named their daughter after Monroe Ficus from Too Close For Comfort and NOT after Marilyn. That is the only reason to name your child Monroe.
Some say that becoming a parent mellows you out and to those people, I say, you must not know any parents. Because nearly every parent I know is stressed out, worn out and screaming for Calgon to take them away. But maybe being a father will mellow Jeff out. If it doesn’t and Baby Monroe picks up on some of her daddy’s behavior, then I’m sure her first complete sentence will be, “Goddammit, Zoila, you messed up the lunch order AGAIN!”
The Hollywood Reporter says that biopics about 1920s jazz legend Zelda Fitzgerald are so in right now, because there are currently two biopics about her in production, one starring popcorn mogul Scarlett Johansson and one starring sassy nacho burp Jennifer Lawrence.