By “shit,” I of course mean IMMENSE KNOWLEDGE. And yes, “Immense Knowledge” is the name of their weed strain of choice.
FKA Twigs is a lot of things. She’s a singer, a songwriter, a dancer, an artiste and Robert Pattinson’s promised one. And after reading her interview with ES Magazine, I learned that she either took the same Scientology homeschool classes as Willow and Jaden Smith or all of their brains were cut from the same hemp cloth. Because FKA Twigs gets deep. FKA Twigs may look like Fievel’s sister from An American Tail, but when she stares out into the vast night, she doesn’t sing Somewhere Out There, she reads the stars.
About a month after Miley Cyrus started scootin’ her hillbilly business on her ex-fiancé Liam Hemsworth again, she took the engagement ring he gave her out of its fancy box and started wearing it again. That “Why me?” face Miley made when she decided to re-debut her ring on Instagram might not have been because she was dressed like the eliminated look from the Strawberry Shortcake challenge on Project Runway.
NBC’s next live musical, Hairspray Live (starring Harvey Fierstein, Jennifer Hudson, Kristin Chenoweth, Ariana Grande Latte and Martin Short), hasn’t happened yet, but they have already announced their live musical for 2017. We already have the Bye Bye Birdie movie starring Ann-Margret and the 1995 TV movie starring Vanessa Williams (and Chynna Phillips!), but for some reason, NBC believes we need yet another version. In December 2017, NBC will cough up Bye Bye Birdie Live starring Jennifer Lopez. NBC probably thought, “Well, we can’t do any worse than Peter Pan, so fuckit, put JLo in Bye Bye Birdie.”
Yesterday, we were all hit with the tragic news that the classiest wedding the world has ever seen is not going to happen. The definition of true love suffered another kick to the asshole when the union between Mariah Carey (or “trophy in L’eggs“ as James Packer probably looked at her as) and James Packer (or “bottomless bag of money” as Mariah Carey probably looked at him as) sunk to the bottom of the Aegean Sea. They were apparently trying to work things out, but now the chances of them getting back together are as slim as the chances of Mimi posting an Instagram picture that hasn’t been ran through Photoshop four times and touched by a dozen filters.
Mimi’s side says that she dumped him for being a jealous crazy bitch who got violent on her assistant on a yacht in Greece. James’ side says that he dumped her for being a crazy spendthrift bitch who spent way too much of his money and may have cheated on him with a dancer. Today TMZ says that even though they’re done, Mimi still wants James to spend more of his money on her. Mimi had to take cash from her own mountain of money (GASP!) to be with him and she wants him to reimburse her for that and then some. Shame: Mimi has none and I love it.
Last Saturday, Tidal released a video of Amy Schumer, Goldie Hawn, Wanda Sykes and Joan Cusack lip-synching to Beyonce’s Formation while on the set of their new movie Mother/Daughter. The internet wasn’t feeling Amy Schumer lip syncing about baby hairs and hot sauce and whatnot. The Beyhive and Twitter got in formation and slapped at her for the video they thought was tasteless. Amy Schumer responded twice to the people callng her out. Surprisingly, neither response was a video of her saying Sorry in face paint while Maria Sharapova twerked around her.
As of right now, the closest a Cumberbitch can come (ew, truly poor word choice) to making contact with Benedict Cumberbatch is a fan letter sent opened by his assistant containing a poem about his beautiful beady eyes written in ink mixed with their own cooch juices. If Benedict Cumberbatch has his way, it’s going to stay like that.
Benedict isn’t on Instagram and he’s not on Twitter, and he recently told People he has no plans on joining because he doesn’t want to become consumed by something so “toxic.” He wants nothing to do with that social media lifestyle. Somewhere the Kardashians just recoiled in horror at the thought.
“I can’t get involved in social media because as they know, it’d be a disaster. I can’t tweet to save my life. I’d go over my character limits and never make any sense. It would just consume me and I find that whole thing ultimately very toxic. I’d much rather spend my energy doing what brought me to their attention in the first place, which is my work.”
Benedict’s kind of right, because his social media experience would be different than most. If he joined Instagram, his eyes would be consumed with trying to delete the thousands upon thousands of comments from Cumberbitches begging him to leave his fake family for them and desperate pleas to “PLEASE FOLLOW ME BACK, DADDY SHERLOCK!!“. But he shouldn’t worry about the Twitter thing. No matter how little sense he made, his tweets wouldn’t be anywhere near as incoherent as those of the reigning celebrity 140-character queen, Demi Lovato.
Here’s Benedict and Tilda Swinton looking like an uptight principal and her easy-going vice principal while promoting Doctor Strange at Soho House in Berlin a few days ago.